How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran.
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan?
So eat it. Just eat it.
Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate.
Don't wanna hear about what kind of food you hate.
You won't get no dessert till you clean off your plate,
So eat it. Don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it)
Get yourself an egg and beat it.
Have some more chicken,
Have some more pie.
It doesn't matter if
It's boiled or fried.
Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it)
Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Ooh!
Your table manners are a cryin' shame.
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game.
Now if you starve to death,
You'll just have yourself to blame,
So eat it. Just eat it.
You better listen, better do what you're told.
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole.
You better chow down, or it's gonna get cold.
So eat it. I don't care if you're full.
Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it)
Open up your mouth and feed it.
Have some more yogurt, have some more spam.
It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned.
Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it)
Don'tcha make me repeat it.
Have a banana. Have a whole bunch.
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch.
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.
Huh huh huh huh huh
Eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it)
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it.
Have a big dinner, have a light snack,
If you don't like it, you can't send it back,
Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it)
Get yourself an egg and beat it. (Oh, Lord)
Have some more chicken, have some more pie,
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried,
Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it)
Don'tcha make me repeat it.
Have a banana. Have a whole bunch.
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch.
Midnight Star
I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less,
At the checkout counter at the local grocery store.
I was only passin' by,
But a paper caught my eye,
And I learned a few things I never knew before.
It said, "Your pet may be an extraterrestrial."
It said, "The ghost of Elvis is living in my den.
You can learn to cope with stress,
And you can beat the IRS,
And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again!"
Oh, Midnight Star!
It's in the weekly Midnight Star.
Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car.
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know.
Eat jelly doughnuts and lose twenty pounds a day.
Hear the story of the man born without a head.
And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company
Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead.
Oh, Midnight Star!
You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Midnight Star.
They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar.
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know.
(Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust-line grow.)
Midnight Star, I wanna know...
Oh, Midnight Star!
Well, don'tcha know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star.
The UFO's have landed and we'll tell you where they are.
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know,
Midnight Star.
Well, you can read all about it in the weekly Midnight Star.
You can use your ESP to learn to play guitar.
I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star)
Inquiring minds like mine wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know, I wanna know.
(You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star)
I wanna know.
The Brady Bunch
(parody of "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats)
You can watch Mister Rogers,
You can watch Three's Company,
And you can turn on Fame,
Or the Newlywed Game,
Or the Addams Family.
Say, you can watch Barney Miller,
And you can watch your MTV,
And you can watch
Till your eyes fall out of your head.
That'll be okay with me.
And you can watch (TV)
You can watch Johnny Carson,
You can watch Phil Donahue,
And you can use TV Guide
To help you decide,
With a capsulized review.
Say, you can watch 60 minutes,
Even Captain Kangaroo,
But there's only one set,
So whatever you watch
Well, you know I gotta watch it too.
A-say, give it up, give it up.
Television's takin' its toll.
That's enough, that's enough.
Gimme the remote control.
I've been nice, I've been good.
Please don't do this to me.
Turn it off, turn it off.
I don't wanna have to see
The Brady Bunch.
Not the Brady Bunch.
Well, the Brady Bunch.
Yeah, the Brady Bunch.
It's the story of a lovely lady,
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold,
Like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.
It's the story of a man named Brady
Who was busy with three boys of his own.
They were four men living all together,
A-yeah, but they were all alone.
Till then one day, a-one day
When the lady met this fellow
And they knew, and they knew
It was much more than a hunch
That the group, a-this group
Must somehow form a family.
That's the way, that's the way,
That's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Well, the Brady Bunch, Yeah, the Brady Bunch, Well, the Brady Bunch.
Oh, it's the Brady Bu-unch, it's the Brady Bunch, oh, it's the Brady Bunch,
Yeah, oh the Brady Bunch, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch,
Well, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch, it's the Brady Bunch.
Buy Me A Condo
Gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
Get de wallet full o' credit cards.
I gonna buy me a condo.
Never have to mow de lawn.
Gonna get me de T-shirt
With the alligator on.
Wo-o-o, used to live in Jamaica,
But I don't live dere no more.
Had to change me lifestyle,
Do t'ings I never done before.
So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman
,
Living in dis American town.
Gonna sell me Bob Marley records,
Gonna get me some Jackson Browne.
I'm gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
And get de wallet full o' credit cards.
I gonna buy me a condo.
Never have to mow de lawn. (ah--, ah--)
Gonna get me de T-shirt
With the alligator on.
Wo, gonna cut off me dreadlocks,
T'row away all me ganja.
I'll have a Tupperware party,
Maybe join me a health spa. (ah--, ah--)
I'll get a bowl of plastic fruit,
And a microwave oven too. (ah--, ah--)
Then I'll have the neighbors over
For a weenie barbecue.
Gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
Get de wallet full of credit cards, oh oh,
I gonna buy me a condo.
Never have to mow de lawn. (ah--, ah--)
I get de funny little T-shirt
With the alligator on.
Ain't gonna work in the field no more.
Gonna be Amway distributor.
Ain't gonna work in the field no more, no, no.
Gonna be Amway distributor.
(Jah) Jah, jah, jah,
Life is so very hard,
I need a (jah) jah, jah, jah
Jacuzzi in me backyard.
Gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
N'get de wallet full of credit cards.
I gonna buy me a condo.
Never have to mow de lawn. (Never got to mow de lawn)
Gonna get me de T-shirt
With the alligator on.
What you say?
Gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
Get de wallet full of credit cards.
I gonna buy me a condo.
Never have to mow de lawn.
Gonna get me de T-shirt
With the alligator on.
What you say?
Gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
Get de wallet full of credit cards.
I gonna buy me a condo.
Never have to mow the lawn.
Gonna get me de T-shirt
With the alligator on.
I Lost On Jeopardy
(parody of "Jeopardy" by Greg Kihn Band)
Ohhhhhh...
I was there, to match my intellect, on national TV,
Against a plumber, and an architect, both with a Ph.D.
I was tense, I was nervous,
I guess it just wasn't my night.
Art Fleming gave the answers,
Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ite-ite.
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh).
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh).
Well I knew I was in trouble now,
My hope of winning sank,
'Cause I got the Daily Double now,
And then my mind went blank.
I took Potpourri for one hundred,
And then my head started to spin.
Well, I'm givin' up. Don Pardo,
Just tell me now what I didn't win, yea, yea.
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh).
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh).
That's right Al--you lost! And let me tell what you didn't win: a twenty-volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. But that's not all! You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! And you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations to come! You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game! You're a complete loser!!
Don't know what I was thinkin' of,
I guess I just wasn't too bright.
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on the Price Is Right-ite-ite.
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh).
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh).
I lost on Jeopardy, baby.
Polkas on 45
(polka medley of various songs by various artists)
["Jocko Homo" by Devo]
They tell us that we lost our tails,
Evolving up from little snails.
I say it's all just wind and sails.
Are we not men, we are Devo.
Are we not men, D-E-V-O.
["Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple]
Smoke on the water.
A fire in the sky.
Smoke on the water.
["Sex (I'm A...)" by Berlin]
(I'm a man) I'm a boy.
(I'm a man) Well, I'm your mother.
(I'm a man) I'm a one-night stand.
(I'm a man) Am I bi?
(I'm a man) I'm your slave.
I'm a little girl,
When we make love together.
Hey, hey, hey!
["Hey Jude" by The Beatles]
Jude, don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better,
Better, better, better, better, better, yeah!
["L.A. Woman" by The Doors]
L. A. woman. You're my woman.
Got my mojo risin'. Mister Mojo risin'. Hey!
["In A Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Butterfly]
In a gada da vida, honey,
Don'tcha know that I love you.
In a gada da vida, baby,
Don'tcha know that I'll always be true-ooh-ooh.
["Hey Joe" by Jimi Hendrix]
Hey Joe, where ya goin' with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe! Where ya goin' with that gun in your hand?
Gonna shoot my old lady.
Caught her messin' around with another man.
Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo. Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo.
Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo. Yodel-ay he-hoo.
["Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads]
I'm an ordinary guy, burnin' down the house.
["Hot Blooded" by Foreigner]
I'm hot blooded, check it and see.
Got a fever of a hundred and three.
Come on, baby, you can do more than dance.
I'm hot blooded, hot blooded!
["Bubbles In The Wine" by Lawrence Welk]
(instrumental section)
["Every Breath You Take" by The Police]
Every breath you take, (huh huh huh) every move you make, (huh huh huh)
Every bond you break, every step you take,
I'll be watchin' you.
["Should I Stay Or Should I Go" by The Clash]
Darling, you gotta let me know,
Should I stay, or should I go?
If you say that you are mine,
I'll be here till the end of time.
But you gotta let me know, wo-wo-wo.
Should I stay, or should I go?
["Jumpin' Jack Flash" by The Rolling Stones]
But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas.
But it's all right--jumpin' jack flash, it's a gas, gas, gas!
["My Generation" by The Who]
People try to put us down.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Just because we get around.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Singley do look awful c-c-cold.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Hope I die before I get old.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
This is my generation. This is my generation, baby.
My my my my My generation.
Well, talkin' bout my g-g-g-g-g g-g-generation! Hey!
Mr. Popeil
I need a Vegematic!
I need a Pocket Fisherman!
I need a handy appliance
That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell!
(Operators are standing by.
How does that make you feel?)
Help me, Mr. Popeil!
I wanna shine some pennies!
I wanna mend some leather!
I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder!
(Please, no C.O.D.'s.
Don't miss out on this deal.)
Ah, help me, Mr. Popeil!
Help me. Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil.
(Wo-o, wo-o. Ohhhhhh.)
It slices. It dices.
Look at that tomato!
You could even cut a tin can with it,
But you wouldn't want to!
(Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble.
Need your assistance on the double)
Oh no! Now how am I gonna make
My old vinyl car top look like new?
(Mr. Popeil!)
Tell me, what am I supposed to do?
Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil!
(Now how much would you pay?)
But wait, there's more!
It's not sold in any store!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Don't answer yet,
Just look what else you get!
(Now how much would you pay?)
If you order today,
You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless Ashtray!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Now how much would you pay?
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Make me buy a Garden Weasel!
Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer!
Make me take advantage
Of this amazing TV offer!
(Call our toll-free number,
We'll make you such a deal.)
Aw, help me! Mr. Popeil. I want it!
(Mr. Popeil.) Well, I need it!
(Mr. Popeil.) I got to got to got to have it!
Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil! Hey!
King of Suede
(parody of "King Of Pain" by The Police)
There's a sale on our gabardine suits today.
They're all thirty-percent off from yesterday.
There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool and tweed.
Just a VISA or Mastercard is all you need.
We've got every color, we've got ev'ry shade.
We're located next door to Willy's Fun Arcade.
We got every fabric that was ever made,
But I'm known in this city as the King of Suede.
We got portly and regular and extra-long.
(Is my size up there?)
We got tailors to fix it, if it comes out wrong.
(Is my size up there?)
We got all kinds of sweatshirts, you can take your pick.
(Is my size up there?)
With the collars ripped off, like that "Flashdance" flick.
(Is my size up there?)
Our prices are low, my staff is underpaid.
You can buy off the rack, or have it custom-made,
And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade,
'Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede.
If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom,
(Is my size up there?)
We can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan.
(Is my size up there?)
We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too.
(Is my size up there?)
And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you.
(Is my size up there?)
Well, I never made it past the second grade.
It took all of my life for me to learn this trade.
But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made,
'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede.
There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits.
Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots.
You can try on our suede underwear if you choose.
Do what you want, but don't step on my blue suede shoes.
King of Suede.
Don't miss out on our giant liquidation sale.
(Is my size up there?)
Look for our color catalog in next week's mail.
(Is my size up there?)
There's a sale on our double-knit slacks today.
It's the same old sale as yesterday.
Thirty years in the same location I have stayed,
There I am, right next door to Willy's Fun Arcade.
I got tough competition but I'm not afraid,
'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede.
King of Suede. King of Suede. King of Suede.
I'll always be King of Suede. I'll always be King of Suede.
I'll always be ...
That Boy Could Dance
We all used to call him "Jimmy the Geek".
He was a dumb-lookin' scrawny little four-eyed freak.
He never used to hang around with the guys.
He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies.
He wasn't much to look at.
He never was very bright.
But at least there was one thing that he could do all right.
That boy could dance.
That boy could dance, yeah.
He was kind of a jerk, he was kind of a bore,
But the women would scream when he walked in the door.
'Cause one thing I can tell you for sure--
That boy could dance.
Pickin' teams, he would always be last.
He couldn't run very far, he couldn't think very fast.
If he was on your side, you'd always lose.
That guy had a problem even tyin' his shoes.
He never passed a driver's test.
He was always afraid of cars,
And he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars.
But that boy could dance.
That boy could dance, yeah.
Well, his hair was a mess, and his clothes didn't fit,
He'd smell pretty bad, and he'd drool just a bit,
But you got to admit.
Boy, that boy could dance.
Now that boy is much older.
He got his own dance studio.
He got a teeny bopper fan club.
Yeah, he got his own TV show.
Now he owns half of Montana.
They all call him Diamond Jim.
And you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him.
'Cause that boy could dance. That boy could dance. That boy could dance.
(that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance)
That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance,
yea, ooh. (that boy could dance) I said that boy could dance.
(that boy could dance) That boy could dance, dance. (that boy could dance)
That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance.
Theme From Rocky XIII
(parody of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor)
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he's no bum, he works down the street.
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say:
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
If you want, you can have an appetizer.
You might like our salami, and the liver's all right.
And they'd really go well with the rye,
Or the kaiser.
Never eats while on the job.
He heard it's good to stay hungry.
But he makes a pretty mean shish kabob.
Have a taste, they were made fresh today.
Try the rye or the kaiser or the wheat or the white.
Maybe I can suggest an appetizer.
Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight.
But you just can't go wrong with the rye,
Or the kaiser.
So today, his deli comes first.
Still he dreams of his past days of glory.
Goes in the back and beats up on the liverwurst,
All the while you can still hear him say:
It's the rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite.
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions, I won't put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye,
Or the kaiser.
The rye or the kaiser,
The rye or the kaiser,
The rye or the kaiser...
Nature Trail To Hell
Coming this Christmas to a theatre near you,
The most horrifying film to hit the screen.
There's a homicidal maniac who finds a Cub Scout troop,
And he hacks up two or three in every scene.
Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends.
Don't spoil the big surprise.
You won't believe your eyes when you see
Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell,
Nature Trail to Hell, In 3-D.
Nature Trail to Hell (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell (in 3-D, ah-ah)
Nature Trail to Hell (In 3-D!)
See severed heads that almost fall right in your lap.
See that bloody hatchet coming right at you.
No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again,
Till we bring you "Nature Trail to Hell--Part 2."
So bring the kids along, it's good clean family fun.
What have you got to lose,
If you like the six o'clock news, then you'll love
Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell,
Nature Trail to Hell, In 3-D.
Nature Trail to Hell, (in 3-D, ah-ah)
Nature Trail to Hell, (in 3-D, ah-ah)
Nature Trail to Hell, (In 3-D!)
(ah-ah-ah-ahhh ahh - ahh ah-ah-ah ahhh - ah-ah-ahhh - ahh ah-ah)
Satan eats Cheez Whiz. [backwards]
Ahgh!! Agghh!! No--!! Gahgh!! Aghg!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Nature Trail to Hell (ah-ah). Nature Trail to Hell (ah-ah).
Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D. N n n n n n n Nature Trail to Hell.
Yea, get away from the Nature Trail to Hell. Oh, stay away from the
Nature Trail to Hell.
In 3-D. 3-D.
Nature Trail to Hell. (We're on the Nature Trail to Hell).
Nature Trail to Hell. (We're on the Nature trail to Hell).
Nature Trail to Hell. (Hell Hell) In 3-D.
Nature Trail to Hell. (ah-ah) In 3-D.
Nature Trail to Hell. (ah-ah) In 3-D.
Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D.