Bruces - Monty Python

song a/k/a "Bruces' Philosophers Song (Bruces' Song)"
song written by Eric Idle
transcriber unknown
minor corrections: Dave Smith; Fri Apr 8 05:12:54 1994

One: G'day, Bruce!
Two: Oh, Hello Bruce!
One: How are you Bruce?
Two: A bit crook'd, Bruce.
One: Where's Bruce?
Two: He's not 'ere, Bruce.
One: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.
Two: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
One: That's a strange expression, Bruce.
Two: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
One: She's a good Shiela, Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
Three: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! 'Ow are you, Bruce?
One: G'day Bruce!
Two: Bruce.
Three: Hello Bruce.
One: Bruce.
Two: 'Ow are you, Bruce?
Three: G'day Bruce.
Four: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommey Land who is joinin' us this year here in the philosophy department at the University of Woolloomoolloo.
Bruces: G'day!
M.B. Hello.
Four: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
One: Is your name not Bruce?
M.B. No, it's Michael.
Two: That's going to cause a little confusion.
One: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?
Four: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting, before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.
Three: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
Bruces: Amen!
Two: Crack a tube! (Bottles opening)
Four: Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.
One: I'd like to welcome the Pommey bastard to God's own Earth! And remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.
Bruces: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Four: Bruce teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.
Two: What's New Bruce going to teach?
Four: New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton, Lockholm, Sackly, Miller, Hassett, and Bernard.
Two: Those are all cricketers!
Three: Aww, spit!
One: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!
Bruces: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you! Amen!!
Two: Another tube! (Bottles opening)
Four: Any questions?
Three: New Bruce, are you a Pooftah?
Four: Are you a Pooftah?
M.B. No!
Four: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!
Bruces: No Pooftahs!!
Four: Rule Two! No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abos in any way at all...if there's anybody watching. Rule Three!
Bruces: No Pooftahs!!
Four: Rule Four! Now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five!
Bruces: No Pooftahs!!
Four: Rule Six! There is NO!!!!! Rule Six. Rule Seven!
Bruces: No Pooftahs!!
Four: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.
Two: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
Bruces: Amen!

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stewart Mill, of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato they say could stick it away,
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart.
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

Back to the list of demented lyrics