## Computer Songs

Various computer parody songs. Unless listed, transcribers are unknown

### Computer Man (tune of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

It's 10 AM on a Wednesday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man up at the blackboard
Getting off on programs that "win"

He says "Son, you will build an automaton
I'm not really sure how it goes
But its cycles are neat
And I knew it complete
When I wore an undergrad's clothes"

(Chorus)
Write me some code, you're a computer man
Write me some code tonight
I expect you'll be thinking of suicide
If your program's not running tonight.

Now John the TA is a friend of mine
Now he's quick with his hacks
That will prop up the VAX
But there's someplace that he'd rather be

He said "Bill, I believe this is killing me!"
As the smile ran away from his face
"Yes I'm sure that I could get my Ph.D
If I could get out of this place."

Now Bruce is a permanent student
Who has programmed most of his life
And he's talking to Davy
Who's still at Carnegie
And probably will be for life

And the faculty's practicing politics
As their graduates slowly grow old
They say "Think of the thrill and accomplishment
That writing a paper will hold"

(Repeat Chorus)

I've done a pretty good job on my Master's
And my advisor gives me a smile
Cause when guys like me
His job is secure for a while

And recruiters, they call on the telephone
And they offer me plant trips and beer
They look me in the eye
Then say with a sigh
"MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

(Repeat Chorus)

*** the names used above are taken from Joel's original lyrics and do not denote real people.

--- Adapted by Bruce Gaya ; a MSEE from Carnegie-Mellon University
Mail and Post at will.

### I've build a better model then the one at Data General (Mod. Maj. Gen)

(Tune of "I am the very model of a modern major general")
by Stephen J. Levine

Ive built a better model than the one at Data General
For databases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPU's with multiplex duality
My PL1 compiler shows impressive functionality
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity
You needn't even bother checking out a bit for parity
There isn't any reason to install nonstatic floormating
My diskdrive has capacity for variable formating

(Chorus)
His diskdrive has capacity for variable formating
His diskdrive has capacity for variable formating
His diskdrive has capacity for variable format-formating

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point
There's lots of space in memory for variables floating point
Which shows for input vegetable, animal and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General

(Chorus)
Which shows for input vegetable, animal and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General

The IBM's new homecomputer's nothing more than germinal
At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal
While Tandy's done a rotten job with operations boolean
At Wang the byte capacity's to small to fit a koolie in.
Now Intel company's finances are somthing of the troublesort
The Apple IIC crashes when you implement a bubblesort
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spend there money well
And need I even mention NeXT or Unysis or Honeywell

(Chorus)
And need he even mention NeXT or Unysis or Honeywell
And need he even mention NeXT or Unysis or Honeywell
And need he even mention NeXT or Unysis or Honey-Honeywell

By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
I"ve brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive
In short, for input vegetable, animal and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General

(Chorus)
In short for input vegetable, animal and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General

In fact when I've a Winchester of minimum diameter
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering
And when I can afford to use 100K for buffering
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate

(Chours)
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate

Though all my better programs that self reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying done subversively
But still for input vegetable, animal and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General

(Chorus)
But still for input vegetable, animal and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General

### Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code

Kind of by Paul Simon

The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

Just blow up the stack Jack,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.

She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,

She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.

### THE LONGEST PATH (tune- "The Longest Time" by Billy Joel)

Woh, oh-oh-oh
Find the Longest Path
Woh oh-oh
Find the Longest Path

If you said P is NP tonight
There would still be papers left to write
I have a weakness
And I keep searching for the Longest Path

The algorithm I would like to see
Is of Polynomial Degree
Buts its elusive,
Nobody has found conclusive
Evidence that we can find the Longest Path

I have been hard
Working for so long
I swear its right,
But he marks it wrong
Somehow I'll feel sorry when its done
GPA 2.1,
Is more than I hoped for

Garey, Johnson, Karp and other Men (and Women)
Try to make it Order n log n.
Am I a math fool
If I spend my life in Grad School
Forever following the Longest Path.

Woh oh-oh-oh
Find the longest path
Woh oh-oh-oh
Find the longest path

### UNIX* [tune of "Money" by Pink Floyd]

UNIX, it's a gas;
grab that VAX with
both hands and
make it crash.

UNIX, it's a hit;
Don't give me that
PC DOS Bullshit.

I'm into well benchmarked
POSIX Open Systems
I think I need a RISC chip.

UNIX, jmp back;
I'm all niced now
my stack.

*UNIX is a trademark of AT&T

### The Boys of HP (tune 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley)

(csfs1 = Comp. Sci File Server 1)

Nobody in the room
no cursor on the screen
I feel it in the air
'csfs1 not responding'
empty disk, empty screen,
the server goes down alone
I was logged into my account
and I know you have no phone.

I can see it
the workstation's collecting dust
And I can tell you
I'll never get my source by dawn
once the boys from HP have gone.

I'll never forget those night.
I wonder if I ever got to sleep?
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how you made me scream?
I don't understand what happened to my source
If I can't ever get it back,
I'm sure you have no remorse.

I can see it
the system crashing on me
And I can tell you
my love for this will still be strong
after the boys of HP have gone

Out in the corridors I saw
a bunch of lost programmers
A little voice inside my head say,
I thought I knew where my source was
What did I know?
Those servers are gone forever,
I should just let them go, but-

I can see it-
You've got that salesman's pitch
and I can tell you-
my love for CS will still be strong
even after the boys from HP have gone.

### Cycles For Nothing (tune Money for Nothing)

(i want my
i want my
i want my X-MP!)

Now look at them yo-yo's, that's the way you do it
You run the fortran on the X-MP
That ain't hackin', that's the way you do it

Now that ain't hackin', that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark system
Maybe design a little neutron bomb

Custom fuzzballs for everyone
We gotta link up DDS circuits
BERT and loopback tests to run

See the kid professor with the blue jeans and the necktie
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That kid professor got his Nobel prize now
That kid professor he's a millionaire

Custom fuzzballs for everyone
We gotta link up DDS circuits
BERT and loopback tests to run

I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran
I shoulda kept that old 029
Look at that output, he got it stacked up to the ceilin'
I bet he ain't read one line

And in there, what's that? A hundred postdocs?
Bangin' on the keyboards like some chimpanzees
That ain't hackin', that's the way you do it

Custom fuzzballs for everyone
We gotta link up DDS circuits
BERT and loopback tests to run

by Matt Crawford

### UNIX Man (Tune "Nowhere Man")

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody

Knows the blocksize from 'du'
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, don't worry
It's the tube that's blurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned

He's as wise as he can be
Programs in lex, yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

My printout is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command

--

 Brad Morrison            |
uunet!sugar!brad	  | For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
(713) {584-1315,499-6418}|

### The Swapper (Concocted by Jamie Mason to "The Seeker")

I've looked in kernel memory,
I've looked in the tables.
I try to find some core
For fifty million pages.
They call me the swapper.
I've been searching low and high.
Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

But they couldn't help me either.
They call me the swapper.
I've been searching low and high.
Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

People tend to hate me,
Cause I swap too slow.
As I page out their jobs
They want to shake my hand.
Focusing on swap space,
Investigating pagefaults,
I'm a pagedaemon,
I'm a very desperate hack.

Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

I learned how to raise resident set size.
Yeah, but look at this process it's mem'ry bound!
I'm happy when you segfault,
and when you run thrash.c I crash.
I get values but I
Don't know how or why!

I'm looking for core,
You're looking for CPU,
We're running on the same box,
And we don't know what to do!
They call me the swapper.
I've been searching low and high.
Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

Jamie ... The Third Sync()
Written On Saturday, October 19, 1991 at 04:31:16am EDT

### Waiting for the Sun (by Jamie Mason, to the Doors tune of the same name)

At first flash of daylight,
We're still hacking in C.
Sitting there
Bashing one last Bug

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Can't you feel it,
Now that work is due,
That it's time to
Fight for some CPU

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting... Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...
Waiting... Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...

Waiting for Make is
Such a bore.
Waiting for a.out to
Stop dumping core...
Waiting for some cycles
All day long.
Waiting for adb to tell me what went wrong.

This is the strangest
Bug I've ever known.

Can't you feel it,
Now that work is due,
That it's time to fight
For some CPU

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting for the Sun.

### PROGRAMMER

(to the tune of "SledgeHammer". Apologies to Peter Gabriel)

You could have some FORTRAN.
You could have some C and Ada
I will rev up your machine

Why don't you just hire me?
I'll code anything you need

You can have some Pascal;
You type 'IF' and I'll type 'THEN'
You can have some Lisp code 'EVAL'-ing
May the recursion never end!

(I wanna be your) Programmer!
Why don't you use my code!
(Let me be your) Programmer!
Just compile and load, no problem

I can deal with SNOBOL
I can even handle APL
But I won't deal with COBOL
No one can put me through that hell!

(I wanna be your) Programmer!
Go on and use my code
(So let me be your) Programmer!
Just compile and load, and run it
Hey, look at ME! (I'm a) Programmer!
An algorithms' man
(So nice to be a) Programmer
I'm raking fifty grand, just writing
code.
Code.
Programmer!

(interlude)

I LIKE TO HACK!

I dig assembler (dig assembler)
Wrote my HEX2BIN
I built the kernel (oh, what a kernel!)
Put my drivers in
I will port you through
I will port you through

I want real neat tools!
I wanna build compilers! Build compilers now!
NOW!
I want, I want microcode!
I want, I want microcode!

YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC!

### "Silicon Valley Guy" by Don Data and the Res-Tones

(Tune of "Valley Girl" by Moonunit Zappa)

Spoken: Hey, anybody seen my beeper?

Sung:
Valley Guy, he's a valley guy
Silicon Valley guy
Clip-on tie, and tennis shoes
Thinks he's hip
but he's blown a fuse
Hangs out at the Radio Shack
He's a...

Spoken: Naw, that one's not mine. Well anyway, it was complete chip burnout with floppy disk failure. A real total system dump, you know? For certain! And I told the output user, "Hey, would I de-res my own program? C'mon man, don't call me, call PG & E! Hey, go somewhere and have a meltdown, man, like, burn out!" Then I went down to the Shack to get some sub-miniature DIP relays. And get this, the salesman gave me a new plastic pocket protector!

Sung:
Look out Intel, here he comes
He's the king of computer runs
Got his degree from M.I.T.
Knows square roots to infinity

Spoken: I scanned that new program down in word processing. The one with the huge memory banks? Yea--Julie! Punch my code, I am certain! When I first saw her I thought, "Woa! Give me a microsecond, could I trip her kip relay or what?" She sorta smiles at me and I'm thinking, "I have got to access this chick." But should I go subroutine or main program, you know? So I just suddenly invade her spacial arena and introduce myself for starts. Hi, I'm Ray Fifo.

Sung:
Valley Guy, he's a valley guy
Silicon Valley guy
Clip on tie, and tennis shoes
Thinks he's hip
but he's blown a fuse
Hangs out at the Radio Shack
He's a...

Spoken: So after a few casual edit statements, I can tell this unit really digs me. I mean it's modem to the max, the program computes, right? We make plans to meet at her place and I get there and she is online, I mean, like, she's wearing all this software. I'm calculating the access time to her front-end processor and there is phase jitter entering all my charge couple devices! Her ambient temperature's rising! And she is alpha-fluxing right before my eyes! We skipped dinner.

Sung:
Look out Intel, here he comes
He's the king of computer runs
Got his degree from M.I.T.
Knows square roots to infinity

Spoken: After a RAM refresh time interval she says to me, "Ray, I'm all decoded now. I think you better go" And I say, "OK, program, I can handle the end sum." "And Ray," she says, "I hope you won't de-res me in the morning." And I say, "Moi? De-res a cute litte program like you? Hey, I'm a Silicon Valley Guy."

Sung:
Valley guy, he's a valley Guy
Silcon Valley guy (continues to end)

Spoken:
Come here you catalystic data, you! Give master control a little phase jitter. Punch my code! Did I ever show you my cathode ray? It is really tubular! Gag me with a microchip. Hey, where is my beeper?

### On Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions

Announcing: Technical Report TRCS-91-17, University of Maryland Baltimore County. A preliminary version of this paper appeared in two parts in {\it SIGACT News}, {\bf 22}:1 (winter 1991), Whole Number~78, 65--73, and {\bf 22}:2 (spring 1991), Whole Number~79, 51--56.

Alan T. Sherman
Computer Science Department
University of Maryland Baltimore County
Baltimore, Maryland 21228
and
University of Maryland College Park
College Park, Maryland 20742

June 21, 1990 (revised April 1, 1991)

Abstract

A superpolylogarithmic subexponential function is any function that asymptotically grows faster than any polynomial of any logarithm but slower than any exponential. We present a recently discovered nineteenth-century manuscript about these functions, which in part because of their applications in cryptology, have received considerable attention in contemporary computer science research. Attributed to the little-known yet highly-suspect composer/mathematician Maria Poopings, the manuscript can be sung to the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from the musical Mary Poppins. In addition, we prove three ridiculous facts about superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions. Using novel extensions to the popular DTIME notation from complexity theory, we also define the complexity class SuperPolyLog/SubExp, which consists of all languages that can be accepted within deterministic superpolylogarithmic subexponential time. We show that this class is notationally intractable in the sense that it cannot be conveniently described using existing terminology. Surprisingly, there is some scientific value in our notational novelties; moreover, students may find this paper helpful in learning about growth rates, asymptotic notations, cryptology, and reversible computation.

Keywords. Algorithms, asymptotic notation, complexity theory, cryptography, cryptology, DTIME, mathematical humor, Maria Poopings, Mary Poppins, musical computer science, reversible computation, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions, SuperPolyLog/SubExp.

---------------------- lyrics -------------------------------------

Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
(Sung to the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.")

Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Faster than a polylog but slower than exponential.
Even though they're hard to say, they're truly quintessential.
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!

Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

For Alice to send a message through to Bob when Eve's eavesdropping,
do use a trapdoor one-way function---not a one-key mapping.
First take a message x, let's say, and raise it to the e;
then mod it out by p times q but keep these secretly. Oh!

(Chorus)

Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

The process takes but poly-time and appears to be secure:
why even just a single bit is one over polylog pure.
Though Alice thinks that Eve must spend time at least exponential,
by using Lenstra's elliptic curves, Eve splits n subexponentially. Oh!

(Chorus)

Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

Most computations dissipate a lot of energy;
we remove the heat with water but there's a better strategy.
Since thermodynamics does not apply when info is not doomed,
the laws of physics don't require that power be consumed. Oh!

(Chorus)

Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

Now Bennett said in `73, to run a program P,
you simulate the program P, but do so reversibly.
The problem with this method is that space is exponential,
so trade off time to save on space---this really is essential! Oh!

(Chorus)

Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

Did you know if you invert one, you get a
funtionential subexporithmic logapolyrepus?
But that's quite a singularity! So,

If you are in an oral exam and cannot find the way,
just summon up these words and then you've got a lot to say.
But better use them carefully or you could fail the test.
"What do you call functions that grow faster than any
polylogarithm but slower than exponential?" There're,

Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!

end of lyrics

Note: See paper for detailed performance notes and mathematical proofs by anagramming.

### WHITE COLLAR HOLLER

(written by Nigel Russell [thanks to gerry@ics.mq.edu.au for reminding me!]) (Has been sung by several groups, including Clam Chowder and also Stan Rogers)
available on Stan Rogers's album Between The Breaks on Fogarty's Cove Music FCM 002 [this info courtesy bwebster@freenet.vcu.edu & bml@netcom.com]

Well, I rise up every morning at a quarter to eight,
Some woman who's my wife tells me not to be late.
I kiss kids goodbye, can't remember their names,
And week after week it's always the same!

(Chorus)
And it's ho, boys, can't you code it?
And program it right.
Nothin' ever happens in this life of mine
I'm haulin' up the data on the Xerox line.

And it's code in the data, give the keyboard a punch,
Then cross-correlate and a break for some lunch.
Correlate, tabulate, process and screen,
Program, printout, regress to the mean,

(Chorus)

Yeah, then it's home again, eat again, watch some TV,
Make love to my woman at 10:53.
I dream the same dream when I'm sleepin' at night,
I'm soarin' over hills like an eagle in flight!

(Chorus)

Someday I'm gonna give up all the buttons and things,
I'll punch that time clock till it can't ring.
Burn up my necktie and set myself free,
'Cause no one's gonna fold, bend or mutilate me

(Chorus twice)

### I want an RT

The original tune is "I want a new Drug"

I want an RT. One that won't make that "click"
One that won't try to crash my files or (make me feel 3 feet thick)

I want an RT. One that won't (hurt my head)
(One that won't make my mouth turn dry) (or make my eyes turn red)

One that won't zap my windows when I don't want it to
One that runs the BSD of UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2

I want an RT. One that will boot
One that won't smoke too much or rm the root

I want an RT. One with an FPA
One that won't "segmentation fault"
One that won't fall asleep all day.

One that won't zap my windows when I don't want it to
One that runs the BSD of UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2

UNIX 4.2, UNIX 4.2 (TM)

I want an RT. One that does what it should
One that won't make the network lag; One that won't make (me feel too good)

I want an RT. One (with no doubt)
(One that won't make me talk too much) (or make my face break out)

One that won't zap my windows when I don't want it to
One that runs the BSD of UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2, yeah, yeah

### My favorite (Computer) things (tune- My favorite things)

This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal - really)

Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the <proverbial>
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't fell so sick.

More lyrics to "My Favorite things":

Parsing and scanning and quick computation,
a value that's stored in a mem'ry location.
Boxes of backup tapes, locked up with rings,
these are a few of my favorite things!

Files and programs and disks full of data,
programs in Fortran and Cobol and Ada,
predicting the profits next quarter will bring,
these are a few of my favorite things!

When the code breaks,
when the bug's found,
I simply remember my favorite things,
and then I don't feeeeel

===============

I'm afraid I wrote these myself.

Andy Cohen
gbase@lindy.stanford.edu

### "Write in C" (to the tune of "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of touble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

--- Author Unknown

### I love you a function and a set (I love you a bushel and a peck)

I love you, a function and a set;
A function and a set and induction, I would bet.
Induction I would bet and slick arguments at that;
slick arguments at that, go reduce something to SAT!

(Call this an unfinished work)

### "Do-It Yourself" - performed by Bill Sutton

I went to buy computers, they said a million bucks
For a brand new mainframe IBM, now that price really sucks.
So I looked at all the pictures, and I chose to build my own,
For you can build a mainframe from the things you find at home.

(Chorus:)
Oh, IBM, DEC, and Honeywell, HP, DG and Wang,
Amdahl, NEC, and NCR, they don't know anything.
They make big bucks for systems, though they never want it known
That you can build a mainframe from the things you find at home.

Well, take the CPU, you see it's only just a box
With blinking lights and whirring fans and lots of cable slots.
Well, I spent an evening working with some wire and bulbs and pins,
Then I hauled them to the basement and I plugged the freezer in.
(Chorus)

Well, next I needed tape drives, my tape drives were a steal.
I climbed into the attic for my dad's old reel-to-reel.
Some cable and some binder twine, and soon it was complete:
My CPU and tape drive at a price no one can beat.
(Chorus)

Well, then I looked for disk drives, but it didn't take me long.
Function follows form, they say, or have I got that wrong?
Well, I found a drive with five new modes that blow the rest away:
Cottons, linens, wash and wear, rinse and lingerie.
(Chorus)

Well, I had to have a console just to make my system run.
Without a fancy console then my system wasn't done.
So, I tied a ten-buck typer to a broken TV tube,
And now I've got a console that can write the evening news.
(Chorus)

Well, I've had my system running - I'll admit it's not the best.
The data isn't right, and the response time is a mess.
It crashes every hour, and it isn't worth a damn,
But I'm satisfied because it runs just like an IBM!

Chris Wolvie, wolvie@cybernet.cse.fau.edu
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 93 15:02:02 EDT

Just made it up the other day. There's already two Billy Joel parodies, so why not a third? Hope you like it.

### THE PROGRAM OF (OUR) DREAMS

(Tune: "River of Dreams" by Billy Joel)

In the middle of the night (middle of the night)
I'm debugging in my sleep (I'm debugging in my sleep)
Through the functions and queues (functions and queues)
Of a program so deep (program so deep)
I must be searching for something (searching for something)
That makes the data file lost (data file lo-o-ost)
But the program is wide (Boy it's wide)
And it thinks it's the boss (thinks it's the boss)

Even though I know the program is long,
I go down every procedure, just to be sure.
I flag each part so that when it's compiled
I might actually find what I've been looking for.

In the middle of the night (middle of the night)
I'm debugging in my sleep (I'm debugging in my sleep)
Finding errors abound (errors abound)
In my program so deep (program so deep)
I must be search for something (searching for something)
To put it under control (under contro-o-ol)
Something has to be fixed (has to be fixed)
To make the project whole (To make the project whole)

I don't why I'm programming at night,
But now I'm tired and I don't wanna type anymore.
Who knows it might take the rest of my life
Until I find the mistake that I've been looking for.

In the middle of the night (middle of the night)
I'm debugging in my sleep (I'm debugging in my sleep)
Through the pointers and calls (pointers and calls)
Of a program so deep (program so deep)
I'm must be searching for something (searching for something)
The program calls undefined (calls undefi-i-ined)
But I don't see what it means (see what it means)
Well, it must think that I'm blind!
In the middle of the night.

(I debugging in the,
In the middle of the,)
REPEAT DURING BRIDGE

I don't know if I can take more of this;
God knows I've never been a real patient man.
I hope to find it today
Before I toss this dumb computer in the garbage can!

In the middle of the night (middle of the night)
I'm debugging in my sleep (I'm debugging in my sleep)
Through the "double"s and "float"s ("double"s and "float"s)
Of a program so deep (program so deep)
We all start learning BASIC (start learning BASIC)
We all end using C (end using C)
We're all try to debu-u-ug (try to debug)
The program of our dreams!
In the middle of the night.

(I'm debugging in the,
In the middle of the,)

Date: Sun, 18 Dec 94 21:56 PST
From: pha@reed.edu (Paul Anderson)

### MICROSOFT WORD

Words by Paul Anderson, c1994
Music by Cat Stevens, c1970 Unichappel Music
"Microsoft Word" is a trademark of Microsoft Corp.

Now that I've lost everything to you,
I was gonna start Chapter Two
And in fact I was thinking of leaving,
But if I'm gonna leave, I take good care
To save it all to disk, so it's not fair
That I got that little bomb and a system error.

Chorus:
God damn I hate Microsoft Word
It's hard to get by when it messes with your life.
You stink on ice, Microsoft Word
And I'd love to dismember you with a knife, yeah.

I didn't get as many pages as I want
So I tried to use a bigger font
And then I played around with the margins
And did some enlarging.
But when I tried to save, I got a frowny face
Telling me the memory was out of space
And that seven hours of typing had been erased.

Repeat chorus

Lalala la la, lala la la, lalala la la, lala la la,
La la lalala la, lala la la, goddamn computer!
I was gonna leave, go get a beer,
But my whole paper just disappeared.
So I guess I'll turn in one that I wrote last year.

Repeat chorus
("And now there's 5.0, it's slower!")
Repeat chorus
("One more time! For Bill Gates!")
Repeat chorus
("Wha... system error? This can't be. I was almost done. It was perfect! You stupid computer!")

### "Where's The Service?" by The Pheromones

Jimmy & Alvis Pheromone*
Copyright (c) and Patent 1989 by E.C. Records
Transcribed by Kevin Freels (kevin@vestek.com)

On the CD "So Far..So What!"
EC CD 90 CD
EC CT 90 Cassette
(E.C. Records
P.O. Box 5765
Bethesda, MD 20814)

F.O.P. (Friends of the Pheromones Fan Club)

(spoken)

So I went down to ComputerLand,
'Cause, you see, like, about five years ago,
Well, I had some extra cash,
And I had my eye on one of these old-fashioned Oldsmobiles,
One of these really big, really fast Oldsmobiles,
That scares the shit out of all the nasty
Little Hondas on the highway,
But my friends, they all got together,
And they said, "Jim, you ain't goin' anywhere,
Unless you get a computer."
And now it's five years later,
And I don't interface with shit.,
And the thing is so old and so tired and so slow
That it sounds like a Wart-Hog rooting for food.
*SNOOOOOORT* *SNOOOOORT* *SNOOOOORT*..... **DING!*
So I went down to ComputerLand,
And I was met at the door
By this really well-dressed French guy,
Who didn't speak any English,
And I explained that my computer,
Well, you know, it only has 64k,
And he put together this fantastic package
That was going to cost Two Thousand Dollars!
And I said, "What do I look like to you?
I'm just a slime-ball musician!
And I don't have Two Thousand Dollars!"
And he hustles me over to the cashier,
Who's, like, this really good-looking Spanish chick,
She didn't speak any French,
She didn't speak any English,
She probably didn't speak any Spanish,
But she took my MasterCard,
And she ran it through the machine
That reads the little metallic strip on the back,
And she charged up TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!
And I was getting really hot,
So I demanded to see the Manager,
And out came this Japanese dude,
Who didn't speak any French,
And he didn't speak any Spanish,
And he pretended he didn't speak any English.
But he looked at me with cold steel in his eye.
The same cold steel that they used to use
On the backs of G.I.'s necks in (*inaudible*) Gulf.
A long, long time ago.
It wasn't that long ago.
It could have been his old man.
Coulda been his older brother.
But I'm not here to fight that war over again,
You see, I just need a little more K!
(I just need a little more K!)
So he put together this memory card,
To be inserted into the back of my PC,
And it was going to cost Six-Hundred and Fifty Dollars,
Which I thought was excessive.
And he hustles me over to the cashier
Who took my MasterCard,
And ran it through the machine
That reads the little metallic strip on the back,
And charged up SIX-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!
But she had neglected to write down
The Authorization code from my last sale
And I was way over my limit
So I couldn't buy any more K.
(I couldn't buy any more K!)
So I looked at that French dude,
And I looked at that Spanish chick,
And I looked at that Japanese cat,
And I said,

"HEY!! WHERE'S THE SERVICE?!?"

It's gone, gone, gone, gone,
Gone, gone, gone!
Gone, like the Age of the Mastadon!
It's gone, gone, gone, gone,
Gone, gone, gone!

It's gone, gone, gone, gone,
Gone, gone, gone!
Gone, like the Age of the Mastadon!
It's gone, gone, gone, gone,
Gone, gone,

GONE!

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