(These are the liner notes from the back cover, transcribed as is with all lexigraphic peculiarities like missing commas, etc.)
Dickie Goodman was born at the age of six, the son of two parents, a man and a woman. (We think)
At the age of nine, he pased away suddenly, only to return at the age of eleven, shortly before the Civil War.
The years betwen twelve and fifteen are not too clear. All we know for certain is that he was thirteen and fourteen.
At the age of twenty, the American Psychiatry Institute made him an honorary NUT, a title which rocketed him into National recognition.
He turned to politics and ran unsuccessfully for President under the assumed name of Wally Wilkie and Sam Dewey. Later, he fled the country disguised as a boat, and spent the next two years in Africa hunting for big game. During this time he is said to have captured the worlds' smallest elephant, which he sold to the circus for $3.00 to pay off a string of bad debts.
Always interested in sports, he became a pitcher for the Sandusky Dumpers of the Class Z league, where he compiled a record of two wins and two hundred and three losses over a six year period.
He decided to become a comic when someone told him his pitching was a joke. He then appeared in several off-Broadway shows which consisted mainly of several brawls on Seventh Avenue, and an amateur show on Long Island.
Turning to comedy writing he created material for such leading comics as Harvey Zilch and Manny Mashburn. (Who?) Their great success led him to enter the recording field. The amazing feature of this album is that the parodies were all written before the songs themselves.
If you don't like this record, don't tell him, because it could set him back several years in his therapy. If you like this record don't tell him becaue he might want money.
Comet Records
150 W. 55th Street
New York, N.Y.
Liner copy by Dickie Goodman
| (spoken) | |
| Hullow, Sadie? | |
| Speakin'. | |
| Didja hear about Harry? | |
| Yeah! | |
| (sung) | |
| Harry's jock strap, Harry's jock strap | |
| It's pale blue, it's pale blue | |
| They say that he's a fairy | |
| But Harry is so hairy | |
| So are you. | |
| So are you. | |
| Harry's jock strap, Harry's jock strap | |
| It's brand new, it's brand new | |
| It looks kinda skimpy | |
| Harry's walkin' gimpy, | |
| So are you. | |
| So are you. | |
| Harry's jock strap, harry's jock strap | |
| Itches too, itches too | |
| What about some powder? | |
| Made him holler louder. | |
| Did he see a doctor? | |
| Grabbed the nurse and hocked her. | |
| How 'bout penicillin? | |
| That nurse was not so willin'. | |
| She give him an injection? | |
| It gave him an erection. | |
| What about some ointment? | |
| He tried it and his joint went. | |
| What about his sex life? | |
| He'll save it for his next wife. | |
| How 'bout when he yentzes? | |
| He won't take no chentzes. | |
| Do ya think it's catching? | |
| Well I can't keep from scratching. | |
| Stay away from me then. | |
| So give me back my key then. | |
| Can he get a new one? | |
| He just loves his blue one. | |
| So do you. | |
| So do you. | |
| Harry's jock strap | |
| Harry's jock strap | |
| It's pale blue | Harry's jock strap |
| It's pale blue | Harry's jock strap |
| He's scratching all the time now | It's pale blue |
| He's even scratching mine now | It's pale blue |
| I got it too | You both must be allergic |
| I got it too | To the same detergent |
| I got it too | You got it too |
| I got it too | You got it too |
| I got it too. | You got it too. |
note: the second and fourth lines of each verse are sung by the whole crowd; the last word is repeated by a female solo.
(spoken)
Here's a problem that some of you fellas and fathers mighta had...
(sung)
Oh today I pace my rented place, 'cause I can't face your daughter,
Sweet,... pure,... daughter.
We had a date, she was jail bait, and now... she's late,
Your daughter, (Everybody!) sweet,... pure,... daughter.
So I took a look in the yellow book and found a crooked lawyer,
Shy... ster... lawyer.
For a fee that's high, he'll prove a lie, there were twen...ty guys
Before ya, (Lawyers only!) shy...ster... lawyer.
Ya got another plan 'cause you can't tell her old man,
Look it wouldn't'a happened Sam, if she'd used the diaphragm
I bought her, (Fathers only!) Sweet... pure... daughter.
Oh I'm such a shmuck, I got no luck,
If I'd had the twenty bucks, then I wouldn't'a had to do it to
Your daughter, sweet... pure... daughter.
I've checked around, and finally found, a man in town to abort her,
Your sweet,... pure,... daughter.
His sleight of hand will cost a grand, next time she'll stand-
Your sweet,... pure?... daughter
Your sweet?... pure?!... daughter.
(sung to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas")
Oh Elly Rose is sexless, and everybody knows
No matter how you push her, she won't take off her clothes
You c'n talk about your frigid girls, who seldom like to ball
But Elly Rose is sexless, and she won't do it at all.
(sung to the tune of "My Bonnie")
My Bonnie's been using some lotion,
My Bonnie's been using some salve
It don't look like calamine lotion,
Oh I wonder what she could have.
(sung to the tune of "Alouette")
Oh... Al 'n Yetta go to bed togedder,
Al 'n Yetta...
(trails off at this point. Either something
was cut, or he forgot the words, or realized
that Allan Sherman already used this one...)
(sung to the tune of "Michael Row The Boat Ashore")
Mike 'n Rhoda live next door,
Rhoda's preg...nant.
Mike 'n Rhoda live next door,
Mike is ste...rile.
(sung to the tune of "Home On The Range")
Moe, Moe is deranged,
Oh he plays with himself all the time.
But that's not so bad, the thing that is sad,
Oh I wish he'd stop playing with mine!
(sung to the tune of "Tzena, Tzena" [Israeli folk song])
Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
She's a big fat ugly lady
Does... it for a quarter.
Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie,
If you do not like her maybe
You... could have her daughter.
(sung to the tune of "She Wore A Yellow Ribbon" [?? not sure on this one])
Around... her waist,
She wore a metal girdle,
Her father made her wear it to save her virginity;
The o...nly trou...ble
With her metal girdle
She cannot make the boys but she can't even make a pee.
(sung to the tune of "A Tisket, A Tasket")
(This is the ballad of My Kidney Stone:)
I pissed it, I passed it,
That little yellow bastard,
I took a little wee one day
And with that wee I dropped it.
I dropped it, I dropped it,
I took a wee and dropped it,
My fam'ly doctor picked it up
And put it in his pocket.
His pocket, his pocket,
He put it in his pocket,
Next day I got a bill from him
That said a hundred doll...ars.
(sung to the tune of "Song of the Volga Boatmen")
Vulgar Goldman, ppthpt.
That vulgar Goldman, ppthpt.
He'll pass plenty of gas,
That vulgar Goldman. ppthpt.
(spoken)
The following is an impersonal tribute to the Army, the Marines,
and the Navy:
(sung to tune of "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
Put it in, take it out,
All these women wear me out,
As I gaze on, what they have, down there.
Take it out, put it in,
Oy my nerves are wearin' thin
As I gaze on, what they have, down there.
For I'm an O.B., I took gynecology,
Why didn't I use my head?
'Cause just suppose, I had studied Throat & Nose,
I could gaze on, their tonsils, instead.
(sung to tune of "The Halls Of Montezuma")
Oh the balls of Monty Newman
Are a man and boy's delight.
And if you pay the admission,
You can see them day or night.
First he handles them and plays with them
Then he always wipes them clean,
Monty Newman is a pitcher
For the New York Yankees team.
(sung to the tune of "Anchors Away")
Hank is away again,
Hank is away
Hank is your husband and he's gone out to L.A., yay, yay, yay
I'll be with you, next door,
While he is gone,
I'll pay the favor back
I'll let him use my mower on his lawn.
Ai, yai yai yai,
Ai, yai yai yai yai.
Each day I look for your husband the shnook
To leave, then we'll be with each other,
I'm glad that you married my brudder,
'Cause there's nobody else that I'd ruther.
Ai, yai yai yai,
I'll wait by your winda
Then we'll be alone, until he comes home,
Ahoy, see ya later, Linda.
Oh I should be in, the office wit' him,
He's my boss, and that really slays me,
He's got a wife who lays me,
And besides that the dumb jerk he pays me.
Ai, yai yai yai,
Wait, wait by your winda.
Do you think he knows, what goes on when he goes,
"Ahoy, see ya later, Linda!"?
It's a tough situation, to make conversation,
Whenever I go there for dinner,
When he says "My wife's lookin' thinner,"
I could say "Yes I know, I've been in her."
Ai, yai yai yai,
Wait, wait by your winda,
And when he is gone, how we'll carry on,
Ahoy, see ya later, Linda.
He told me today, he's goin' to L.A.,
"Watch my wife for me", what could be cornier,
There wouldn't be anyone hornier,
If you went with him to Californier.
Ai, yai yai yai,
Don't... stand by the winda
If someone should see then he might fire me
And I won't see ya later, Linda!
Every time that I try to make Sally,
She says, "It's that time of the month,"
That's why I call her "Red River Sally",
And I wish she'd stop flowing for once.
Last week, I asked her if she had "it",
And she told me she thought that she did,
She's the one girl I know in the Valley,
With a thirty-one-day period.
So I went to the doctor and got her,
Some pills that would make her thing stop,
But she said that if she let me do it,
She won't know if she's pregnant or not.
So she threw out those pills and we did it
And at least I found out she's no liar,
Now I still call her "Red River Sally",
And she calls me her little vampire.
(afterword: I had to listen to this one twice before I figured out why she called him that, and what they were doing... just call me slow on the uptake. Yuck...)
(spoken) Everybody! Sing along with Trini Goldberg! Come on now...
Oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy...
If Ida an' Anna
Would get a nice apartment
At a fancy address,
Or in a big hotel,
They'd do a better business,
They'd make a lot more money,
They'd sell a lot of love, between
The millionaires and spenders
They'd have, oo, a better clientele, oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy...
If Ida an' Anna
Stopped workin' on the corner,
Or in the railroad station,
Where someone could tell,
They wouldn't get busted,
They wouldn't get rousted,
They'd sell a lot of love, between
The millionaires and spenders
They'd have, oo, a better clientele, oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy...
Oh Ida got married,
And Anna kept in business,
She got a nice apartment
With a girl named Stel,
They get a lot of actors,
They get a lot of judges,
They sell a lot of love, between
The millionaires and spenders
They have, oo, a better clientele, oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy...
Now Anna is wealthy,
She bought the whole apartment,
She's makin' lotsa money,
An' everything was swell,
One judge gave her no money,
Instead she got a sentence,
Now she's in jail a year, between
The bookies and the forgers and the robbers and the killers
She has, oo, a better clientele, oy oy, oy, oy
Oy oy, oy, oy (repeat and fade)
Once I met a nice girl
And her name was Zelda Cohen,
I took her to my hotel-room in Mi-a-mi,
But I couldn't even get her
To play with my billybung
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me.
Balling my Zelda, balling my Zelda,
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me,
But she wouldn't let me do it,
'Cause she said that it was wrong
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me.
She said "Only if we're married"
So I took her home to meet my folks
I was in love wi-ith her, you see,
I said "Dad she is a nice girl
So don't tell no dirty jokes
Or I'll never get her to mar-ry me.
Balling my Zelda, balling my Zelda,
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me,
I told him she's a virgin,
She never even drinks or smokes
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me.
We got married and she told me
She was a nymphomaniac,
I laughed and I said that it could-n't be,
Then I found out she was doin' it
Wit' everyone behind my back,
How come she would never do it wit' me?
Balling my Zelda, balling my Zelda,
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me,
I divorced her and I told her
That I would never take her back,
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me.
One day a friend of mine
Called me on the telephone
He'd like me to meet his wife-to-be,
He said he'd met a nice girl
And her name was Zelda Cohen!
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me.
Balling my Zelda, balling my Zelda,
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me,
And after they were married,
I saw her when he wasn't home,
You'll come a-balling my Zelda with me.
There is... a tavern in the town (In the town)
Where pret-ty ladies sit around (Sit around)
And sell their wares to everyone but me,
'Cause what... they're sellin' ain't for free!
So I went and got a twenty,
Said I'm gonna get me plenty
Of whatever they are sellin' in the back (The back)
Now with... the doctor I've a date (I've a date)
It hurts... me when I urinate (Urinate)
I guess that I have been a real big sap,
'Cause all... I got there was the [claps hands]!
Oh I should have used protection
Now I got a big infection
And I don' know what I'm gonna tell my wife (My wife)
The doc-tor he'll give me a shot (Give me a shot)
Then she... won't find out what I got (What I got)
Next time I'll have a little bit of class
I'll put my twenty on a horse and not an ass! (Not an ass)
I'll put my twenty on a horse and not an ass! (Not an ass)
I'll put my twenty on a horse and not an ass!
I sent my daughter to the very best school
Joined a country club with a swimming pool
I wanted a doctor or a lawyer for my daughter
But she's only dated bums didn't have a quarter.
She went with a poet didn't have a cent,
Next it was a drummer couldn't pay his rent
You'd think that's bad, well it really ain't
'Cause then she met a painter couldn't even paint!
She dates sixteen bums, and what do I get
A son-in-law beatnik with a guitar, yet!
They better call soon if they need some dough
I'm goin' to Miami 'cause the business is slow.
She started goin' with a piano player
Then she met a nice accountant but he tried to lay 'er
I sent her to Europe but what did it get 'er?
An out-of-work singer with a turtleneck sweater!
I didn't think that I could have any worse luck
But then I found out that she had married the shmuck.
I sent them on a honeymoon but when they got back
She had a sweater and guitar and was part of his act.
She dates sixteen bums, and what do I get
A son-in-law beatnik with a guitar, yet!
They better call soon if they need some dough
I'm goin' to Miami 'cause the business is slow.
My wife said "Sam, look, what can you do?
You gotta take him into the business with you."
He was the biggest meshugga that I've ever seen,
He couldn't tell a velvet from a gabardine.
I paid for an apartment, and furniture- What for?
When I came to visit they were sittin' on the floor.
They were married six months, or seven maybe,
And then it hadda happen- she had a baby!
She dates sixteen bums, and what do I get
A son-in-law beatnik with a guitar, yet!
They better call soon if they need some dough
I'm goin' to Miami 'cause the business is slow.