entered by Bill Kinnersley

My Son, The Celebrity

Contents:
  1. Al 'N' Yetta
  2. Barry Is the Baby's Name/Horowitz/Get on the Garden Freeway
  3. Mexican Hat Dance
  4. The Bronx Bird Watcher
  5. The Let's All Call Up AT&T and Protest to the President March
  6. Harvey and Sheila

  7. Won't You Come Home, Disraeli
  8. No One's Perfect
  9. When I Was a Lad
  10. Me
  11. Shticks of One and Half a Dozen of the Other

Al 'N' Yetta

(Parody of "Alouette")

Al 'n' Yetta always sit togedda,
Watching TV every single night.
Munching popcorn from a dish,
While observing Dorothy Gish.

(Dorothy Gish) Dorothy Gish,
(What a dish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

Al 'n' Yetta couldn't have it betta,
Their TV set has remote control.
So they both can stay in bed,
With Frankenstein and Mister Ed.

(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

Al 'n' Yetta, fans of Art Linkletta,
And they love to sing along with Mitch.
They just found in TV Guide,
Reruns of December Bride.

(December Bride) TV Guide,
(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

They're big fans of Gunsmoke and Bonanza,
And Ben Casey and Doctor Jim Kildaire,
And third reruns of Millionaire,
And fourth reruns of Yogi Bear.

(Millionaire) Yogi Bear,
(December Bride) TV Guide,
(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

Al 'n' Yetta love to watch Loretta
When she enters through her fancy door.
They just love The Real McCoys,
Walter Cronkite and The Bowery Boys.

(Bowery Boys) Real McCoys,
(Millionaire) Yogi Bear,
(December Bride) TV Guide,
(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

Al got wrinkly, watching Huntley-Brinkley,
And College Bowl on Sunday afternoons.
While they both watch Meet The Press,
Yetta yearns for Elliott Ness.

(Elliott Ness) Meet The Press,
(Bowery Boys) Real McCoys,
(Millionaire) Yogi Bear,
(December Bride) TV Guide,
(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

Al 'n' Yetta watched an operetta.
Leonard Bernstein told them what they saw.
They both shouted, "Hail Bernstein!"
Then they switched to What's My Line.

(Hail Bernstein) What's My Line,
(Elliott Ness) Meet The Press,
(Bowery Boys) Real McCoys,
(Millionaire) Yogi Bear,
(December Bride) TV Guide,
(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish.
Ohhhh,

Al told Yetta something that upsetta.
He said, "Dear, our picture tube has blown."
Yetta answered, "Woe is me,
For tonight we shall not see:

(Hail Bernstein) What's My Line,
(Elliott Ness) Meet The Press,
(Bowery Boys) Real McCoys,
(Millionaire) Yogi Bear,
(December Bride) TV Guide,
(Mister Ed) Stay in bed,
(Dorothy Gish) What a dish."
Ohhhh,

Al 'n' Yetta's television set.


Barry Is The Baby's Name/Horowitz/Get On The Garden Freeway

"Barry Is The Baby's Name"

(Parody of George M. Cohan's "Mary")

We'll call him Barry, Barry.
That'll be the baby's name.
We thought of Lance or Josh,
But, oh, my gosh,
They're not the same.

But if it's Barry, Barry,
That's a name with style and grace.
And if he's not a he,
It still could be
Like in Barrie Chase.

"Horowitz"

(Parody of "Harrigan")

H-O-ROW-ITZ spells Horowitz.
Yesterday I took my girlfriend Peggy
To watch him play a concert at Carnegie.

V-L-ADIMI-R, that's Vladimir.
And he plays piano good,
Like a real piano player should.
Horowitz. Hear, hear!

"Get On The Garden Freeway"

(Parody of George M. Cohan's "Give My Regards To Broadway")

Get on the Garden Freeway,
When you come up to visit me.
You'll see a great big shopping center,
With a brand new A. & P.

Turn left at Kosciusko,
Continue to the third stop light.
Then turn around and drive right back
Because I won't be home tonight!


Mexican Hat Dance

(Parody of "Mexican Hat Dance")

Oh Americans dance on a dance floor.
And the Spaniards, they dance on a table.
And the Russians, they dance on a saber.
But the Mexicans dance on their hats.

Oh they dance on hot coals in Calcutta.
In Wisconsin they dance on fresh butta,
Which they squeeze from one cow or anutta.
Yes, the Mexicans dance on their hats.

(Ole!)

There are Mexicans dancing on derbies.
There are Mexicans dancing on caps.
They just throw their fedoras
Wherever the floor is,
And start doing horas and taps.

They won't quit! They go on!
It's a Mexicn custom,
To take hats and bust 'em,
By doing a dance thereupon.

Oh the reason they shot Pancho Villa
Was he danced on his mother's mantilla.
And the message did not reach Garcia.
He was out somewhere dancing on hats.

(Ole!)

There's a fellow in West Acapulco,
The most elegant man you could meet.
He does sambas on hombergs
To tunes of Sig Romberg's,
And sometimes the Nutcracker Suite.

So take care! So beware!
Or they'll put castanets on
And ruin your Stetson,
'Cause they all think they're Fred Astaire!

If you're ever in Mexico proper,
And you're wearing a straw hat or topper,
When the band starts to play, call a copper,
'Cause by now you should know
That they'll grab your chapeau, And they'll stomp till it's flat,
And that's that!

That's what Mexicans do on your hat.

(Ole!)


The Bronx Bird Watcher

(Parody of "Titwillow" from Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado or The Town Of Titipu")

On a branch of a tree sat a little tomtit,
Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow.
An uncomfortable place for a boidie to sit,
Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow.

So I said to him, "Boidie, why don't you go way?"
He said, "Thenks very much, but I'm planning to stay.
I'm gung sit on that branch for the rest of the day,
Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow."

So I said to him, "Boidie, you look so distraught.
Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow.
You gonna be glad when you'll see what I brought.
A pillow, a pillow, a pillow."

I said, "Boidie, your pardon I humbly would beg.
Put this comfortable pillow right under your leg."
He said, "Leave me alone while I'm laying an egg.
Uh willow, tit willow, tit willow."

That night by the light of a matzoh ball moon,
Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow.
That boidie was singing the same catchy tune.
Willow, tit willow, tit willow.

And I came, and I took him right down from his branch,
And I brought him back home to mine split-level ranch,
And I said to my wife, "Here's a gift for you, Blanche.
He sings 'willow, tit willow, tit willow.'"

Next morning I got up and went to the shop,
Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow.
That tune was so catchy, it just wouldn't stop.
Willow willow willow titty willow willow willow titty willow willow willow willow.

That night I said, "Blanche, how's the bird?" She said, "Well,
The boid was delicious, it tasted just swell.
But as I fricaseed him, he gave out a yell:
'Oi willow, tit willow, tit willow.'"


The Let's All Call Up AT&T And Protest To The President March

(Parody of ???)

It's the "The Let's All Call Up AT&T And Protest To The President March."
Can you see him smirking and smiling?
'Cause he's got us all digit dialing.
So let's all call up AT&T and protest to the president march.

So protest! Do your best!
Let us show him that we march in unity.
If he won't change the rules,
Let's take our business to another phone company.
Let's all call up AT&T and protest to the president march.

Let us wake him up in his slumber.
Get a pencil, I'll give you his number.
It's 3 1 8 5 2 7 3
0 8 7 4 2 9 dash!
5 1 1 4 9 0 6 7
4 0 8 5 2 hyphen!
1 1 4 6 2 0 5
7 9 hyphen dash 0 3.

And now that you're on the right road,
Don't forget his Area Code.
Which is 5 1 8 2 4 7 9
0 5 hyphen dash 9 4.

Where are the days of Auld Lang Syne?
Butterfield 8! Madison 9!
Let's keep those beautiful names alive.
Crestview 6! Gramercy 5!
Get ready to fight before it's too late!
Temple 2! Murray Hill 8!
Let's let them know that this means war!
Gettysburg 3! Concord 4! Hurray!

To all telephone subscribers,
We'll erect a triumphal arch,
For the let's all call up AT&T and protest to the president march.


Harvey And Sheila

(Parody of "Hava Nagila")

Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila,
Oh, the day they met.
Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila,
No one will forget.
Harvey's a CPA.
He works for IBM.
He went to MIT and got his PhD.
Sheila's a girl I know,
At B.B.D.& O.
She works the PBX,
And makes out the checks.

Then came one great day when
Harvey took the elevator,
Sheila got in two floors later,
Soon they both felt they were falling,
Everyone heard Sheila calling,
"Ring the bell,"
But they fell.
Harv and Sheila fell in love.

Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila,
Chose a wedding ring.
Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila,
Married in the spring.
She shopped at A & P.
He bought a used MG.
They sat and watched TV
On their RCA.
Borrowed from HFC,
Bought some AT&T,
And on election day, worked for JFK.

Then they went and got a
Charge-A-Plate from R.H. Macy,
Bought a layette, pink and lacy,
Then they had twin baby girls,
Both with dimples, both with curls,
One named Bea,
One named Kay,
Soon they joined the PTA.

Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila,
Moved to West LA.
Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila, Harvey and Sheila,
Flew TWA.
They bought a house one day,
Financed by FHA.
It had a swimming pool, full of H2O.
Traded their used MG
For a new XKE.
Switched to the GOP,
That's the way things go.

Oh that Harvey he was
Really smart, he used his noodle.
Sheila bought a white French poodle,
Went to Europe with a visa,
Harvey's rich, they say that he's a
VIP!
This could be,
Only in the USA!


Won't You Come Home, Disraeli

(Parody of "Bill Bailey, Won't You Please Come Home" by Arthur Collins)

When Benjamin Disraeli was Prime Minister of England,
And good old Queen Victoria was the Queen,
Whenever she would need him for official palace business,
Disraeli, he was nowhere to be seen.
She went down to 10 Downing Street,
The doorbell there she rang,
And when there was no answer,
This is what the good Queen sang:

Won't you come home, Disraeli. Won't you come home.
Come home to Queen Victoria.
Don't leave that House of Commons, and that House of Lords.
Just sittin' waitin' for ya.
I'm gettin' awful lomesome, 'cause all I do
Is sit here reading Ethan Frome.
Now don't leave me flat,
The key to the palace is under the mat.
Disraeli, won't you please come home.

Won't you come home, Disraeli. Won't you come home.
Come home to Queen Victoria.
Don't leave that House of Commons, and that House of Lords.
Just sittin' waitin' for ya.
You claim official business took you away
To Egypt, and Bombay, and Rome.
Well, I ain't so certain,
'Cause you're the Nineteenth Century Richard Burton,
Disraeli, won't you please (I miss you, Dizzy)
Disraeli, won't you please,
Disraeli, won't you please,
Disraeli, won't you please come home.


No One's Perfect

(Parody of "Annie Lisle" a/k/a "The Cornell Alma Mater (Far Above Cayuga's Waters)")

We would now like to salute all of the beautiful singing groups all over the world.

When the Norman Luboff Chorus
Sings a song like this (like this, like this, like this)
Every single note is gorgeous,
But they sometimes miss.

No one's perfect, no one's perfect, no one's perfect, and
That includes Fred Waring and His Pennsylvanians, and The Ray Charles Singers who were made famous by their frequent appearances on The Perry Como Show, and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and The Robert Shaw Chorale.

When the chorus sings behind you,
All they do is hum (hum)
Every hum is like an angel,
Then one hum goes bumm!

Far above the other singers,
In the treble clef,
A soprano sings in B flat,
But the key is F.

No one's perfect, no one's perfect,
We have learned tonight,
So you'll be astounded,
When we hit this last note right.


When I Was A Lad

(Parody of "Ruler Of The Queen's Navy" from Gilbert & Sullivan's "HMS Pinafore")

When I was a lad I went to Yale,
And I knew then that I could never fail.
For I studied very hard and furthermore,
I polished up the apple for the professor.
(He polished up the apple for the professor)
I polished up the apple so frequently,
That soon I had a Phi Beta Kappa Key.
(He soon had a Phi Beta Kappa key,
From polishing the apple very frequently.)

On graduation day I made a stop
At a very exclusive clothing shop.
I opened up a charge account and asked them for
The best grade flannel in the clothing store.
(The best grade flannel in the clothing store.)
That suit was a part of a great intrigue,
For it proved I was a member of the Ivy League.
(It was part of a great intrigue,
For it proved he was a member of the Ivy League.)

Then I got a crew cut and a sincere tie,
And for my first job I did apply.
A job in an advertising agency,
Sharpening the pencils of a big VP.
(Oh he honed a lot of pencils for a big VP)
I sharpened all the pencils so pointedly,
That now I am a partner in the agency.
(He sharpened all the pencils so pointedly,
That now he is a member of the agency.)

I kept my ears open and my big mouth shut,
And I learned all the agency's scuttlebutt.
I learned who was going out with whom,
And who had the keys to the powder room.
(And who had the keys to the powder room.)
For the key to the powder room you see,
Is the key to the structure of the agency.
(The key to the powder room is the key
To the structure of the agency.)

I worked real hard for the dear old firm,
I learned most every advertising term.
I said to the men in the dark gray suits,
"Let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes."
(Let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes.)
I ran it up the flagpole perfectly,
So now I am a partner in the agency.
(He ran it up the flagpole perfectly,
So now he is a partner in the agency.)

Now I have a big office at the end of the hall,
With very fancy carpeting from wall to wall.
I keep my mouth open and I keep my ears shut,
And I've got a little palace in Connecticut.
(And he's got a little palace in Connecticut.)
So I thank old Yale, and I thank the Lord,
And I also thank my father who was Chairman of the Board,
(And he's grateful to his father,
Yes he's grateful to his father,
Yes he's grateful to his father,
Who was Chairman of the Board.)


Me

(Parody of "Come Back To Sorrento")

Counting both feet, I have ten toes,
They're not lady toes, they're men toes.
And I keep them as mementoes,
For I love them tenderly.

All my hands are full of fingers,
Very good as doorbell ringers.
And the thought of fingers lingers
In my haunted memory.

In the middle is my carcass,
And I always dress my carcass
In the best from Neiman-Marcus.
That's a big store in Big D.

There are other things about me,
Which I'll show you if you doubt me.
Things that would not work without me,
Like my elbow and my knee.

On my face, two eyebrows,
They're not your brows, they're my brows.
Behind those eyebrows,
That's where you'll find me.


Shticks Of One And Half A Dozen Of The Other

[parody of "Molly Malone"]
She wheels her wheelbarrow
Through streets that are narrow,
Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide.
So wherever she wheels it,
The neighborhood feels it,
Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side.

In Dublin's fair city,
Where girls are so pretty,
My Molly stands out 'cause she weighs 18 stone.
(That's 256 pounds.)
I dont mind her fat--but,
It's not only that--but,
She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, Molly Malone.

[parody of "Auld Lang Syne"]
I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign.
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it Old Lang's Sign.

[parody of "Billy Boy"]
Oh what have you done, Billy Sol, Billy Sol.
Oh what have you done, charming Billy.
You took almost every cent
From the U.S. Government,
Which you spent on fertilizer, which is silly.

[parody of "Marianne" by Terry Gilkyson & The Easy Riders]
All day, all night, Cary Grant.
That's all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant.
What can he do that I can't?
Big deal, big star, Cary Grant.

[parody of "On The Banks Of The Wabash" by George J. Gaskin]
Oh the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash.
So I'm having my Volkswagen washed again.
But the way things go with me, the way my luck is,
Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain.

[parody of "On Top Of Old Smokey" by The Weavers]
On top of Old Smokey,
All covered with hair,
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey The Bear.

[parody of "Aura Lee"]
Every time you take vaccine,
Take it orally.
As you know the other way
Is more painfully.

[parody of "Grandfather's Clock" by The Haydn Quartet]
My grandfather's clock was the best ever made
By the Timex company.
Just like the clock John Cameron Swayze displayed
Last night on the old TV.

Oh it works under water so perfectly,
And still makes a ticking sound.
Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon,
And that's how the old man drowned.

[parody of "Comin' Thro' The Rye" by Nellie Melba]
Do not make a stingy sandwich.
Pile the cold cuts high.
Customers should see salami
Coming through the rye.

[parody of "Polly Wolly Doodle"]
Oh I diet all day and I diet all night,
It's enough to drive me bats.
Got no gravy or potatoes,
'Cause the whole refrigerator's
Fulla polyunsaturated fats.

Fare thee well, Metrecal,
And the others of that ilk.
Let the diet start tomorrow,
'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow
In a double malted milk.

[parody of "Down By The Riverside"]
When you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
I repeat what I just said before,
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.

Oh buy the corned beef if you must,
The pickled herring you can trust,
And the lox puts you in orbit AOK.
But that big hunk of liverwurst
Has been there since October First,
And today is the Twenty-Third of May.

So when you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
It'll make your insides awful sore.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.


Back to the list of demented lyrics