entered by Dan & Robyn Nitschke
update by Philip Sternenberg 8-12-2001

My Name Is Allan

  1. It's A Mosty Unusual Play
  2. The Laarge Daark Aardvark Song
  3. That Old Back Scratcher
  4. Call Me
  5. Peyton Place, U.S.A.

  6. The Drinking Man's Diet
  7. Secret Code
  8. The Painless Dentist Song
  9. Chim Chim Cheree
  10. Go To Sleep, Paul Revere!
  11. An Average Song

It's a Most Unusual Play

(parody of "It's A Most Unusual Day" by Ray Noble & His Orchestra, from the movie "A Date With Judy")

It's a most unusual play;
Feel like throwing my tickets away,
'Cause the boy gets the boy
And the girl gets the girl
And it's way too far off Broadway.

It's a most unusual plot
Which I've either blocked out or forgot;
I don't know what it means
But they all wear blue jeans
And they scratch themselves quite a lot.

There's no scenery, there's no lighting,
There's no costumes; oh, what art!
If there only were no house lights,
I would sneak up the aisle and depart.

There's a most unusual scene
Where this man dates this Xerox machine,
So his girlfriend gets mad
And she murders the cad
To the tune of "Begin the Beguine"
In this most unusual, most unusual, most unusual play.

Oh, the language is a bit loose;
It's decidedly not Mother Goose.
Outside on the marquee
This quotation you'll see:
"I was shocked!" and it's signed Lenny Bruce.

It's a play where something went wrong
'Cause it's five hours, twelve minutes long.
If you sit there, my friend,
From beginning to end
Then your bladder better be strong.

There are people hitting people;
There's a couple in a cage.
There's neurotics, there's narcotics,
And the bathroom is right on the stage!

It's a great big critical smash,
And it's raking in all kinds of cash.
But the theater's appalling
With things that are crawling;
I think I am getting a rash
From this most unusual, most unusual, most unusual play.

The Laarge Daark Aardvark Song

This is the start of the Laarge Daark Aardvark Song.
(bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum, yeah yeah yeah!)

There is a large dark aardvark in the park,
They say he's missing from the zoo.
(that's me, folks!)
And the police are looking high and low
But they have not seen him; have you?
Why did he go?
Oh, I'll tell you the reason:
'Cause it's aardvark mating season.
When an aardvark makes a date
He sneaks right through that old zoo gate.
So, if you see two aardvarks necking in the park,
Don't upset their apple cart.
Do not be a spy, you're not the FBI
And you should never break an aardvark's heart.

This is the second chorus of the Aardvark Song.

To be an aardvark is not easy, folks,
'Cause all you get to eat is ants.
And all the other animals make jokes
At your attempts to find romance.
(very funny...)
Nobody laughs at hippopotamusses,
Or at fat rhinoceroses,
But an aardvark makes them howl
Because he's neither fish nor fowl;
He's like a kangaroo in love with a gnu,
And that's what makes the zoo folks laugh.
All of this is so, and here is how I know:
I'm your friendly neighborhood giraffe!

This is the end of the Laarge Daark Aardvark Song.
(bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum, yeah yeah yeah!)

That Old Back Scratcher

(parody of "That Old Black Magic" by Glenn Miller & His Orchestra, from the movie "Star-Spangled Rhythm")

That old back scratcher has me in its spell,
That old back scratcher like the Chinese sell.
Your plastic fingers up and down my spine,
The same old itchcraft when your touch meets mine.
You tame that tingle when I'm all alone;
For I am single, so, to itch his own.

So down and down you go,
Around and around and around you go;
Scratching my unreachable zone.

I should throw you away,
But I never do;
I must give in to itchy skin.
A skin with such a burning desire;
When I'm scratching low,
The itching gets higher.

Oh, you're the scrubber that placated me,
That chased each place that irritated me;
And then, last night, you broke my heart.
Because I sat down on you,
Two hundred pounds on you,
Then, snap, crack,
Everything just went black
My wonderful old back scratcher fell apart.

Yes, you broke in half,
And now you're too short;
I tried Scotch tape as a last resort.
But with Scotch tape it wasn't the same;
The thrill that was wild is suddenly tame.

But, Old Man Sorrow will not get me down;
I leave tomorrow night for Chinatown.
For I must follow Heaven's plan:
Around and around I'll go,
Through Chinatown I'll go,
Hoping to find another one just like you,
An old Chinese back scratcher made in Japan!

Call Me

(parody of "Call Me Irresponsible" by Frank Sinatra, from the movie "Papa's Delicate Condition")

Call me Efrem Zimbalist,
Get me Bobby Kennedy,
Then call Dave Ben-Gurion, too.
Then tell Carol Baker I'm home, now;
Tell her Mastroianni sends love from Rome now.

Then get Hank Mancini
And tell him Fred Fellini is waiting;
Where the heck is the song?
Order Scotch and ice and then
Ring up Barbra Streisand and
Then set up a conference call
With Sammy Davis and Charles de Gaulle.

Call me Walter Cronkite
And tell him Nancy Dickerson said
That David Brinkley was wrong.
Then get Conrad Hilton in Bombay;
Tell him Tuesday night I want peaches flambe.

Call Chief Justice Warren
And tell him Sophie Loren is worried;
Is she married or not?
Then call Arthur Schlesinger;
No, no, send a messenger
With the saddest news of the bunch:
Tell Lady Bird I'll be late for lunch.

Dial up Liberace
And, while up, Joe Valachi
And tell him Lucky sends his regards.
Find out where Onassis' barge is;
Call him, ship-to-shore, and reverse the charges.

Locate Melvin Belli
And tell Mel One-Eye Felli was scratched
By Princess Margaret's rose.
Then call Lollabrigida,
This week she's in Wichita,
And then, when you reach Cary Grant,
Tell him I'd love to, but I just can't.

Peyton Place, U.S.A.

There is a place I long to go, and I confess,
It's Peyton Place.
They've got a brand-new meaning for "togetherness"
In Peyton Place.
You should go there if you are feeling lost and lonely;
As you drive into town it says, "For Adults Only"
Peyton Place, that's where you'll find me,
Leaving my qualms behind me.

I'm gonna run away from here and make my home
In Peyton Place;
They've got their own decline and fall of ancient Rome
In Peyton Place.
Everyone's moral fiber's in complete decay there;
They've got a problem cleaning up the PTA there.
Peyton Place, U.S.A.

Everyone walks around the square so overjoyed,
In Peyton Place;
That's where they put the statue up of Sigmund Freud,
In Peyton Place.
They've got a new library there, but here's the snapper:
Every book in it's covered in a plain brown wrapper.
Peyton Place, where the good life is,
Depending where your wife is.

Nobody's got an overdose of scruples
Down in Peyton Place;
All of the teachers learn things from their pupils,
Down in Peyton Place.
There is a faithful husband there, you oughtta see him;
He is the main exhibit in the town museum.
Peyton Place, U.S.A.

They're giving promiscuity a real bad name
In Peyton Place;
That is where "Spin the Bottle" is an adult game
In Peyton Place.
And if you care to know just how their evenings go there,
Nobody's ever seen "The Johnny Carson Show" there.
Peyton Place, U.S.A., my kind of town...
It's Peyton Place, U.S.A.!

The Drinking Man's Diet

Oh, I'm on the Drinking Man's Diet,
It came from a book I was loaned.
It's really terrific and quite scientific
And I'm half stoned.
For breakfast some cornflakes and vodka,
But cornflakes have carbohydrate;
So I don't eat those fattening cornflakes,
I eat the vodka straight.

Drink, drink, everyone drink;
It's not as bad as we used to think.
With every Manhattan your stomach will flatten,
So drink, drink, drink.

The Air Force invented this diet,
A fact which they hotly deny.
Of course they deny it, 'cause this is the diet
That got the Air Force high.
For lunch you can have three martinis,
What better lunch is there than that?
But caution: do not eat the olives,
'Cause olives make you fat.

Drink, drink, everyone drink;
It's not as bad as we used to think.
If pounds you would burn off, then turn on your Smirnoff,
And drink, drink, drink.

For dinner, a nice Scotch and soda
Now that oughtta help you to lose.
No whipped cream, no butter, just lay in the gutter
And booze, booze, booze.
Suppose you should meet a policeman,
Who says you've been quenching your thirst;
You just tell him it's physical fitness
And health comes first!

Drink (hic!), drink (hic!), booze everywhere (hic!);
Pass that decanter of bourbon there.
I'm fatter than ever, but here's what's so clever:
I don't care!

Secret Code

(parody of "Secret Love" by Doris Day, from the movie "Calamity Jane")

Once I had a secret code,
Where A was B, and B was G.
G was K, and K was J;
And J was M, and M was P.

V was X, and X was V,
And U was I, and I was U.
87 stood for Z,
And 2 for T, and T for 2.

O was 12, and Q was 17;
I still don't know what those numbers mean.
That is how we won the war;
My secret code's no secret anymore.

H was 9, and S was 33;
Oh, how that confused the enemy!
Then a recent survey showed
That I don't understand my secret code.

The Painless Dentist Song

(parody of "The Continental (You Kiss While You're Dancing)" by Leo Reisman & His Orchestra, from the movie "The Gay Divorcée")

Beautiful molars...
Lovely bicuspids...

I'm Dr. Prentice, the painless dentist;
By that what's meant is,
It really doesn't hurt.
This is Miss Klinger; you've met her finger.
So open wide, and Miss Klinger will squirt.

Well, well, I say there.
We've got decay there.
Can't let it stay there and cause you all that pain.
So please Miss Klinger, remove your finger,
And won't you hand me down my Novocaine.

It's far worse than I thought it was;
My charge is gonna be large.

Don't be unwilling,
It's just a filling,
I'm simply drilling to dig a little pit.
Don't fight Miss Klinger, or bite her finger
And now while I change the drill you can spit.

I hum while you're bleeding;
It takes your mind off
The things I grind off.
Your gums are receding;
You'll have to come back,
We'll build that gum back.

And now if you will open wide,
Miss Klinger's gonna put her whole darn fist inside.

That's it... now it's over.
They'll be a puffiness around your cheeks,
You'll have to eat soft food for three more weeks,
And if you'll kindly stop those ghastly shrieks,
I'm through.

Beautiful molars...
Lovely bicuspids...
By Dr. Prentice!

Chim Chim Cheree

(parody of "Chim Chim Cheree" by Dick Van Dyke, from the movie "Mary Poppins")

Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim-chim-cheree;
Those are three words that don't make sense to me.
But I'm used to words that don't make sense to me,
From all those commercials I see on TV.
When I see an ad that can't be understood
I know that the product has got to be good;
Those words may be crazy, but I think they're great,
Like sodium acetylsalicylate.
(Sodium acetylsalicylate!)

I wake up each morning a most happy man,
I cover my Py-Co-Pay with Fluoristan;
I add Hexachlorophene, 'cause it's so pure,
And then GL-70, just to make sure.
Then I take a shower, but never alone;
I'm in there with Dermasil and Silicone.
I brush Vitrol-D on my Lanolin wave,
And I sharpen my Boo-boop, and use it to shave!
(He sharpens his Boo-boop, and that's how he shaves!)

There's Tufsyn, and Retsyn, and Acrylan too,
And Marfac and Melmac and what else is new?
There's Orlon and Korlan, and there's Accutron,
And Teflon, and Ban-Lon, and so on and on.
These wonderful words spin around in my brain;
Each one is a mystery I cannot explain.
Like what does that Blue Magic whitener do --
Does it make blue things white, or make white things blue?
(His blue things are white, and his white things are blue!)

My Fastback has Wide-Track and Autronic Eye,
Which winks when a cute little Volvo goes by;
My tank full of Platformate starts with a roar,
But when I try to stop, it goes two miles more.
I measure my breathing with my Nasograph,
It's nice, but oh my, how it hurts when I laugh.
My chair is upholstered in real Naugahyde;
When they killed that nauga, I sat down and cried.
(He moved to Chicaga when that nauga died!)

I'm giving a party next Saturday night
And here are the friends that I'm going to invite:
The giant who lives in my washing machine,
That other nice giant, who's jolly and green.
The tiger who causes my gas tank to flood,
That handsome white knight who is stronger than crud;
The man with the eyepatch, who sells me my shirts
And that nut who flies into the front seat for Hertz!
(That daring young nut who goes flying for Hertz!)

I've lived all my life in this weird wonderland;
I keep buying things that I don't understand,
'Cause they promise me miracles, magic, and hope,
But, somehow, it always turns out to be soap.
And they might as well be Chim-Chiminey Cheree!
(Those words all could be Chim-Chiminey Cheree!)

Go to Sleep, Paul Revere!

As the clock struck twelve that fateful night
In the town of Boston, Mass.,
Our forefathers were sound asleep, of course;
From beneath their windows came a noise
That almost broke the glass:
'Twas a wild-eyed horseman on a breathless horse.

So our forefathers called out, "Who goes here?"
And the horseman answered, "Paul Revere."

So our forefathers climbed out of bed,
And they went to the window and said:

Go to sleep, go to sleep, Paul Revere;
Please don't make all that noise around here!
How can we rest, when, from down in the street
Comes the clomping and the stomping
Of your horse's big feet?

Go away, or I'll call the police,
And report you're disturbing the peace!
Stop horsing around in the dark of the night;
Tell those people at the Old North Church
To turn out that light!

Whatever you're trying to say, it'll keep;
Go to sleep, Paul Revere, go to sleep!

Are you planning to stay until dawn?
Won't you please get that horse off my lawn?
You're drunk and disorderly, feeling your oats,
Tell those strangers behind you
To take off those silly red coats!

Why, you're carrying on like the British were here;
Go to sleep, go to sleep, Paul Revere!
Go to sleep, go to sleep, Paul Revere!
Go to sleep, go to sleep, Paul Revere!
Go to sleep, go to sleep, Paul Revere!

{Continues on like this, with sounds of gunfire,
shouting, and explosions very loud in the background}

The King will hear of this!

An Average Song

(parody of Henry Tucker's "Sweet Genevieve")

Oh, here's a song,
An average song.
It's not too short,
It's not too long.

It's not too high,
It's not too low,
It's not too fast,
It's not too slow.

It's not too old,
It's not too new,
It's not too gay,
It's not too blue.

It's also not too good, my friends;
So ain't you glad this is the end?

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