entered by Bill Kinnersley

My Son, The Nut

Contents:
  1. You Went the Wrong Way, Old King Louie
  2. Automation
  3. I See Bones
  4. Hungarian Goulash No. 5
  5. Headaches
  6. Here's to the Crabgrass

  7. Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter From Camp)
  8. One Hippopotami
  9. Rat Fink
  10. You're Getting to be a Rabbit with Me
  11. Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue
  12. Hail to Thee, Fat Person

You Went The Wrong Way, Old King Louie

(Parody of "You Came A Long Way (From St. Louis)" by Ray McKinley & His Orchestra)

Louis the Sixteenth was the King of France in 1789.
He was worse than Louis the Fifteenth.
He was worse than Louis the Fourteenth.
He was worse than Louis the Thirteenth.
He was the worst since Louis the First.
King Louis was living like a king, but the people were living rotten.
So the people, they started an uprising which they called the French Revolution, and of course you remember their battle cry, which will never be forgotten:

You went the wrong way, Old King Louie.
You made the population cry.
'Cause all you did was sit and pet
With Marie Antoinette
In your place at Versailles.

And now the country's gone kablooie.
So we are giving you the air.
That oughta teach you not to
Spend all your time fooling 'round
At the Folies Bergere.

If you had been a nicer king,
We wouldn't do a thing,
But you were bad, you must admit.
We're gonna take you and the Queen
Down to the guillotine,
And shorten you a little bit.

You came the wrong way, Old King Louie.
And now you ain't got far to go.
Too bad you won't be here to see
That great big Eiffel Tower,
Or Brigitte Bardot.

To you King Louie we say fooey.
You disappointed all of France.
But then what else could we expect
From a king in silk stockings
And pink satin pants.

You filled your stomach with chop suey.
And also crepe suzettes and steak.
And when they told your wife Marie
That nobody had bread, she said
"Let 'em eat cake."

We're gonna take you and the Queen
Down to the guillotine,
It's somewhere in the heart of town.
And when that fella's through
With what he's gonna do,
You'll have no place to hang your crown.

You came the wrong way Old King Louie.
Now we must put you on the shelf.
That's why the people are revolting, 'cause Louie,
You're pretty revolting yourself!


Automation

(Parody of "Fascination" Jane Morgan)

It was automation, I know.
That was what was making the factory go.
It was IBM, it was Univac.
It was all those gears going clickety-clack, dear.

I thought automation was keen,
Till you were replaced by a ten ton machine.
It was that computer that tore us apart, dear.
Automation broke my heart.

There's an RCA 503
Standing next to me where you used to be.
Doesn't have your smile, doesn't have your shape.
Just a bunch of punch cards and light bulbs and tape, dear.

You're a girl who's soft, warm and sweet.
But you're only human, and that's obsolete.
Though I'm very fond of that 503, dear,
Automation's not for me.

It was automation, I'm told.
That's why I got fired, and I'm out in the cold.
How could I have known, when the 503
Started into blink, it was winking at me, dear.

I thought it was just some mishap,
When it sidled over and sat on my lap.
But when it said "I love you" and gave me a hug, dear, That's when I pulled out its plug!


I See Bones

(Parody of "C'est Si Bon (It's So Good)" by Eartha Kitt)

The doctor was looking at the X-ray
And I asked him, "What do you see?"
And he kept on looking at the X-ray
As he said in French to me:

"I see bones.
I see gizzards and bones,
And a few kidney stones
Among the lovely bones.

I see hips
And fourteen paper clips,
Three asparagus tips
Among the lovely bones.
I see things in your peritoneum
That belong in the British Museum.

I see your spine,
And your spine looks divine.
It's exactly like mine.
Now doesn't that seem strange.
And in case you use pay telephones
There's two dollars in change,
Among your lovely bones.

Oh hello there, Nurse.
Come over here and look at this X-ray.
It's really remarkable.
Look at this.
Isn't the lumbar vertebrae supposed to be connected to the clavicle?
Well I know, but with Scotch tape?
Hey, look what's in there.
Look at that, it's a stamp.
It's a 1922 McKinley ultramarine blue with imperfect perforations.
I've gotta get that out and put in my collection.
Look in there, there's printing.
What does it say in there?
"U.S. Certified Grade A."
Look at this, fascinating.
See those little round things.
Know what those are?
Those are M & M's.
Those people are right.
They don't melt!

Among the lovely bones.


Hungarian Goulash No. 5

(Parody of "Hungarian Dance No. 5" by Johannes Brahms)

If you like Hungarian food,
They have a goulash which is very good.
Or if you wish a dish that's Chinese,
Somewhere down in Column B there's lobster Cantonese.

Enchiladas, that's what people eat in Mexico.
Shish kebab is skewered, in Armenia you know.
Then there's blubber, the favorite of the frigid Eskimo.
Such delicious dishes, no matter where you go.

Chicken cacciatore is Italian.
Kangaroo souffle must be Australian.
Mutton chops are definitely British.
Chicken soup undoubtedly is Yiddish.

Pumpernickel comes from Lithuania.
Hassenpfeffer comes from Pennsylvania.
Wiener schnitzel's Austrian or German.
Kindly pass the sauerbraten, Herman.

Borscht is what they're eating in the Soviet.
Wait, I think we've got some on the stove yet.
See the Mau Maus underneath the jungle sky.
Jolly Mau Maus, eating missionary pie.

Frenchmen eat a lot of bouillabaisse there.
Dutchmen eat a sauce called Hollandaise there.
Smorgasbord in Swedish is the winner.
In America it's TV dinner.

So there you have one food from each land.
Each one delicious, each one simply grand.
Mix them all up, in one big mish mash.
And what have you got? Hungarian goulash!


Headaches

(Parody of "Heartaches" by Ted Weems & His Orchestra)

Headaches, headaches.
Aspirin commercials give me headaches.
Just when I'm feeling chipper as you please,
That's when they show me all my sinus cavities.

Headaches, headaches.
Those sponsors don't care how my head aches.
See that announcer, he looks so fine.
His head should ache like mine.

Headaches, headaches.
Those pounding hammers give me headaches.
They say it once and then they say again,
Oh tension, pressure, pain, oh tension pressure pain.

Headaches, headaches.
Those sponsors love it when my head aches.
Mother, don't hand me those pills from the shelf.
I'd rather do it myself.

(Mommy, can't you keep Daddy's car out of the driveway?!)

Headaches, headaches.
Those sponsors love it when my head aches.
There is one remedy that's unsurpassed.
And their commercials give me headaches "fast fast fast".

Headaches, headaches.
Aspirin commercials give me headaches.
Today I swallowed the best cure yet.
I ate my TV set.


Here's To The Crabgrass

(Parody of Percy Grainger's "Country Gardens")

Here's to the crabgrass,
Here's to the mortgage,
In fact, here's to Suburbia.

Lay down your briefcase,
Far from the rat race,
Where nothing can disturb ya.

Uncomplicated,
It's what we waited
For so long in this city.

Come let us go there,
Live like Thoreau there,
A life of sweet simplicity.

Did you set the thermostat?
No, I don't know where it's at.
Tuesday the Cub Scouts meet again.

Walk the dog and cut the grass,
Take the kids to dancing class,
Jim's Little League got beat again.

Can't keep a maid here,
No matter what they're paid here,
The place has bad publicity.

Why did we move here?
Don't you remember?
To live in sweet simplicity.

Here's to mosquitos,
Clam dip and Fritos,
To golf and bridge and scuba there.

Men wearing knee pants,
Women in Capri pants,
Discussing what's with Cuba there.

Each big appliance
Treats you with defiance,
Until it finally falls apart.

Call the repairman,
In a week he's there, man,
To knock your kitchen walls apart.

Tommy's got a bloody nose,
Gotta fix the garden hose.
Book Of The Month Club came today.

Didn't read the last one yet.
Yes you did, but you forget.
Oh well, they're all the same today.

Here's Mrs. Ritter,
She's the baby sitter.
Tonight we're going joyously

Back to the city,
Where life is gay and witty,
Back to the noise there,
That everyone enjoys there.
Back to the crush there,
Hurry let us rush there,
Back to the rat race,
Don't forget your briefcase,
Back in the groove there,
Say why don't we move there.
Away from all of this
Sweet simplicity.


Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter From Camp)

(Parody of Amilcare Ponchielli's "Dance Of The Hours")

Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh,
Here I am at Camp Granada.
Camp is very entertaining,
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivey.
He developed poison ivy.
You remember Leonard Skinner.
He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters,
And the lake has alligators.
And the head coach wants no sissies,
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.

Now I don't want this should scare ya,
But my bunk mate has malaria.
You remember Jeffrey Hardy.
They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadduh,
Take me home, I hate Granada,
Don't leave me out here in the forest, where
I might get eaten by a bear.

Take me home, I promise I will not make noise,
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh please don't make me stay,
I've been here one whole day.

Dearest Fadduh, darling Muddah,
How's my precious little Bruddah?
Let me come home if you miss me.
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it stopped hailing.
Guys are swimming, guys are sailing.
Playing baseball, gee that's better.
Muddah, Fadduh, kindly disregard this letter!


One Hippopotami

(Parody of "What Kind Of Fool Am I?" by Sammy Davis Jr.)

One hippopotami cannot get on a bus,
Because one hippopotami is two hippopotamus.
And if you have two goose, that makes one geese.
A pair of mouse is mice. A pair of moose is meese.

A paranoia is a bunch of mental blocks.
And when Ben Casey meets Kildaire, that's called a paradox. [pair o' docs]
When two minks fall in love, with all their heart and soul,
You'll find the plural of two minks is one mink stole.

Singulars and plurals are so different, bless my soul.
Has it ever occurred to you that the plural of "half" is "whole"?

A bunch of tooth is teeth. A group of foot is feet.
And two canaries make a pair--they call it a parakeet.
A paramecium is not a pair.
A parallelogram is just a crazy square.

Nobody knows just what a paraphernalia is.
And what is half a pair of scissors? It's a single sciz!
With someone you adore, if you should find romance,
You'll pant, and pant once more, and that's a pair of pants!


Rat Fink

(Parody of "Rag Mop" by The Ames Brothers)

F.
I say F-I.
F-I-N.
F-I-N-K.
Fink.
F-I-N-K, fink, fink, fink, fink.

R.
I say R-A.
R-A-T.
R-A-T-T.
Rat.
R-A-T-T F-I-N-K, rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
R-A-T-T F-I-N-K, rat fink.

You fink!

A.
I say A-B.
A-B-C.
A-B-C-D.
A-B-C-D-E.
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H
I.
I say F-I.
F-I-N.
F-I-N-K.
Fink.
F-I-N-K, fink, fink, fink, fink.

R.
I say R-A.
R-A-T.
R-A-T-T.
Rat.
R-A-T-T F-I-N-K, rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Rat fink.
(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
R-A-T-T F-I-N-K, rat fink.
Fink fink.

(yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)


You're Getting To Be A Rabbit With Me

(Parody of "You're Getting To Be A Habit With Me" by Bing Crosby w/ Guy Lombardo)

Though you once were the best bunny at the Playboy Club,
You're getting to be a rabbit with me.
I just sit there and stare as you hop from shrub to shrub.
You're getting to be a rabbit with me.

When I proposed to you that evening last spring,
You said you'd be my mate.
So I went out and bought a two-carat ring,
And both of them you ate!

Then your ears grew an inch, and your nose began to twitch,
And I noticed your tail was attached permanently.
So I keep you in the back yard, in a wooden hutch,
'Cause you're getting to be a little too much.
Like Bugs Bunny,
You're getting to be a rabbit with me.

I feel like something's switching,
It's all so strange and new.
Egad, my nose is twitching,
I'm a rabbit too!
I'm getting to be a rabbit,
Hippity hop, I love you,
I'm getting to be a rabbit like you.

Move over honey, and pass the lettuce!


Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue

(Parody of "Five Foot Two, Eyes Of Blue" by Gene Austin)

Last night I met a man from Mars, and he was very sad.
He said, "Won't you help me find my girl friend, please?"
So I asked him, "What does she look like?",
And the man from Mars said, she's

Eight foot two, solid blue,
Five transistors in each shoe,
Has anybody seen my gal?
Lucite nose, rust-proof toes,
And when her antenna glows,
She's the cutest Martian gal.

You know she promised me, recently,
She wouldn't stray,
But came the dawn, she was gone
Eighteen billion miles away.

Her steering wheel has sex appeal,
Her evening gown is stainless steel,
Has anybody seen my gal?
How I miss all the bliss
Of her sweet hydraulic kiss, Has anybody seen my gal?
Lovely shape, custom built,
Squeeze her wrong and she says "tilt",
Has anybody seen my gal?

She does the cutest tricks, with her six stereo ears.
When she walks by, spacemen cry,
'Specially when she shifts her gears.

If she's found, rush like mad,
Put her on a launching pad,
Down at Cape Canaveral,
And shoot me back my cutie,
My supersonic beauty,
Send me back my Martian gal.


Hail To Thee, Fat Person

(uses the tune of "America The Beautiful" in the background)

I would like to explain how it came to pass that I got fat.

Ladies and gentlemen, I got fat as a public service. When I was a child, my mother said to me, "Clean the plate, because children are starving in Europe." And I might point out that that was years before the Marshall Plan was ever heard of. So I would clean the plate, four, five, six times a day, because somehow I felt that that would keep the children from starving in Europe. But I was wrong. They kept starving. And I got fat.

So I would like to say to every one of you who is either skinny or in some other way normal-- When you walk out on the street, and you see a fat person, Do not scoff at that fat person. Oh no! Take off your hat. Hold it over your heart. Lift your chin up high. And in a proud, happy voice say to him,

"Hail to thee, fat person! You kept us out of war!"


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