Straight Outta Lynwood

1. White & Nerdy
2. Pancreas
3. Canadian Idiot
4. I'll Sue Ya
5. Polkarama!
6. Virus Alert
7. Confessions Part III
8. Weasel Stomping Day
9. Close But No Cigar
10. Do I Creep You Out
11. Trapped In The Drive-Thru
12. Don't Download This Song

They see me mowin'...my front lawn
I know they're all thinkin' I'm so white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Can't ya see I'm white & nerdy?
Look at me, I'm white & nerdy
I wanna roll with...the gangstas
But so far they all think I'm too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
I'm just too white & nerdy
Really, really white & nerdy

First in my class there at MIT
Got skills, I'm a champion at D&D
MC Escher, that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin - to the contrary
You'll find that they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Stephen Hawking's in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin' for my Top 8 spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills, but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at Minesweeper, I could play for days
Once you see my sweet moves, you're gonna stay amazed
My fingers movin' so fast, I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I got a soldering gun (what?)
"Happy Days" is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on...

They see me roll on...my Segway
I know in my heart they think I'm white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Can't ya see I'm white & nerdy?
Look at me, I'm white & nerdy
I'd like to roll with...the gangstas
Although it's apparent I'm too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
I'm just too white & nerdy
How'd I get so white & nerdy?

I've been browsin', inspectin'
X-Men comics, you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect 'em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shoppin' online for some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized "Holy Grail" really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doin' web sites
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do HTML for 'em all
Even made a home page for my dog
Yo, I got myself a fanny pack
They were havin' a sale down at The Gap
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
Pop pop, hope no one sees me...gettin' freaky
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream
I was in A/V Club and Glee Club and even the chess team
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was, do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Faire
Got my name on my underwear

They see me strollin'...they laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white & nerdy
Just because I'm white & nerdy
Just because I'm white & nerdy
All because I'm white & nerdy
Holy cow, I'm white & nerdy
I wanna bowl with...the gangstas
But oh well, it's obvious I'm white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
Think I'm just too white & nerdy
I'm just too white & nerdy
Look at me, I'm white & nerdy

Pancreas

I'm always thinkin' 'bout it
I don't know what I'd do without it
I love, I really love my pancreas
My spleen just doesn't matter
Don't really care about my bladder
But I don't leave home without my pancreas

My pancreas is always there for me
Secreting those enzymes
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates just for me

My pancreas
My pancreas
My pancreas
My pancreas

My pancreas
My pancreas
Oooh

My pancreas attracts every other pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional to the product of their masses
And inversely proportional to the distance between them
Woo woo woo woo

Don't you know you gotta flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the duodenum
Won't you flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the duodenum
Insulin, glucagon
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans
Insulin, glucagon
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans
Lipase, amylase and trypsin
They gonna help with-a my digestion
Lipase, amylase and trypsin
They gonna help with-a my digestion
Can't you see I love my pancreas
Golly gee, I love my pancreas
Can't you see I love my pancreas
Golly gee, I love my pancreas
Can't you see I love my pancreas
Golly gee, I love my pancreas
Can't you see I love my pancreas
Golly gee, I love my pancreas
Can't...

Canadian Idiot

Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Don't wanna be some beer-swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hosehead?
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed

They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packing heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny?
Their stupid Monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all

Well, maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a think they're talkin' aboot

Sure, they're got their national health care
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again, well, they've got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of drivin' a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan

Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out the temperature in Celsius
See the map, they're hovering right over us
Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous

Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose, and they'll just say "Sorry!"
Tell me, what kinda freaks are that polite?
It's gotta mean they're all up to something
So quick, before they see it coming
Time for a pre-emptive strike

I'll Sue Ya

Yeah
If you stand me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late

I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah I might even sue you
Ughh

I sued Duracell... they never told me not to shove that double A right up my nose
I sued Home Depot... 'cause they sold me a hammer, which they knew I might drop on my toes
I sued Dell Computers... 'cause I took a bath with my laptop - now it doesn't work
I sued Fruit Of The Loom... 'cause when I wear their tighty-whities on my head, I look like a jerk
I sued Verizon... 'cause I get all depressed any time my cell phone is roaming
I sued Colorado... 'cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much like Wyoming
I sued Nieman Marcus... 'cause they put their Christmas decorations way out of season
I sued Ben Affleck...... aw, do I even need a reason?

Ughh
If I sprain my ankle while I'm robbing your place
If I hurt my knuckles when I punch you in the face

I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, that's right, I'm gonna sue you
Ughh
Ughh
Ughh

I'll sue ya, I'll take all your money
I'll sue ya, if you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya, I'll take all your money
I'll sue ya, if you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya, I'll take all your money
I'll sue ya, if you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya, I'll take all your money
I'll sue ya, if you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya, ha ha ha ha ha
I'll sue ya, whatchy'all think of that?
I'll sue ya, ha ha ha ha ha
Booya! I'll sue ya!
Ughh

Polkarama

["The Chicken Dance"]
(instrumental section)

["Let's Get It Started" by Black Eyed Peas]
Let's get it started (ha!)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha!)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha!)
Let's get it started in here
And the bass keeps runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'

["Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand]
I say, "Don'tcha know?"
You say you don't know
I say, "Take me out"
I say, "You don't show"
Don't move, time is slow
I say, "Take me out"

["Beverly Hills" by Weezer]
Beverly Hills, that's where I wanna be
(Gimme gimme) Living in Beverly Hills
Beverly Hills, rolling like a celebrity
(Gimme gimme) Living in Beverly Hills

["The Nina Bobina Polka"]
(instrumental section)

["Speed Of Sound" by Coldplay]
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it, then you'd understand

["Float On" by Modest Mouse]
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on
All right, already, we'll all float on
Now don't you worry, we'll all float on
All right

["Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz]
Feel good
Feel good
Feel good

["Don't Cha" by Pussycat Dolls]
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don'tcha
Don'tcha
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Don'tcha
Don'tcha don'tcha don'tcha

["Somebody Told Me" by The Killers]
Somebody told me you had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February
Of last year
It's not confidential
Well, I got potential
Rushin' and rushin' around

["Slither" by Velvet Revolver]
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!

["Candy Shop" by 50 Cent]
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep goin' 'til you hit the spot - woah!
(We'll take you to the candy shop) Yeah!
(For one taste of what we got) Uh huh
(We'll have you spendin' all you got) Come on
(Keep goin' 'til you hit the spot - woah!)

["Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop Dogg]
When the pimp's in the crib, ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
When the pigs try to get at you
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot

["Pon De Replay" by Rihanna]
Come mister deejay, song pon de replay
(Come mister deejay won't you turn the music up?)
All the gal up on the dance floor wantin' some more what
(Come mister deejay won't you turn the music up?)
Hey mister, please mister deejay
Tell me if you hear me
Turn the music up!

["Gold Digger" by Kayne West]
She take my money (She take my money)
When I'm in need (When I'm in need)
Yeah she's a triflin' friend indeed (friend indeed)
Oh, she's a gold digger
Way over town (Way over town)
That digs on me
Hey! Hey!

Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger
But she ain't messin' with no broke broke
Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger
But she ain't messin' with no broke broke

Get down, girl, go 'head, get down (I gotta leave)
Get down, girl, go 'head, get down (I gotta leave)
Get down, girl, go 'head, get down (I gotta leave)
Get down, girl, go 'head
But I ain't sayin' she's a...
Gold gold digger
(no) Gold gold digger
(no) Gold gold digger
Hey!

Virus Alert

(Look out!) It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
(Look out!) Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
(Look out!) Erase your hard drive and your back-ups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody

Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then it will tie up your phone making crank long distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour
And start hogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie
Legally change your name to Reggie
Even mess up the pH balance in you pool

(Look out!) It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
(Look out!) And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
(Look out!) And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're tryin' to sleep
(Look out!) And make you physically attracted to sheep
(Look out!) Steal your identity and your credit cards
(Look out!) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out!) Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right, it's a...

Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now

If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it e-mails your grandmother all of your porn...

Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a 43-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online

Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know
Hit... send... right... now

Confessions Part III

Watch this...

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I came up with more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
So now I gotta give you part 3 of my confessions
First I told you 'bout the skank that I was cheatin' with
Then I mentioned she's havin' my kid
That's not all...
Now I recall more, you see
So I'll give you part 3 of my confessions

Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do
Gonna tell you everything I left out of parts 1 and 2
Like remember when I told you that I knew Pauly Shore, Pauly Shore?
That's a lie, I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your ChapStick from you... without asking
Oh, and I tried out your nose-hair trimmer too
And by the way, your "diamond" ring is cubic zirconium
I killed your goldfish accidentally, just replaced it with another one

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I need to get some things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
I guess I gotta give you part 3 of my confessions
Threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There've been times when I peed in your sink
Don't know why...
But you and I should agree
That belongs in part 3 of my confessions

Baby, forgive me, I'm still tryin' to figure out
Why I used your toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grout
Oh, and sometimes in private...
Really like to dress up like Shirley Temple and spank myself with a hockey stick
Hockey stick
My boss thinks I'm a jerk, didn't get that raise
I haven't changed my underwear in 27 days
And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you're a midget
I'm so sorry, Debbie... I mean Bridget

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I've got a few more secrets I'd like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
I guess I gotta give you part 3 of my confessions
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and picked up off the floor
FYI, it was not a cold sore (not a cold sore)
Woops, my bad... (hope you're not sore at me)
But you'll be madder at me (even wanna tell you baby)
When I finish part 3 of my confessions

[spoken]
You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this...
But you remember that shirt you got me for my birthday?
Well, I returned it for store credit
Th-That thing was hideous... what were you thinking?
Oh, by the way, I wasn't really sick last week
I just didn't wanna go to your stupid office picnic
Oh, and when I told you at breakfast we were all outta Rice Krispies?
What I meant was...
There was only enough left for me
Sorry

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I thought of some more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
I guess I gotta give you part 3 of my confessions
Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on your cat
And I lied - yes, that dress makes you look fat
Anyway...
I shouldn't say anymore
Till I give you part 4 of my confessions

[spoken]
I mean, I'm just gettin' started here
I'm not even halfway down the list
This thing could go on for -
Hey, where you goin'?
Honey?
What?
Was it something I said?
Women...

Weasel Stomping Day

All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out

So come along and have a laugh
Snap their weaselly spines in half
Grab your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day

People up and down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it's such a festive holiday

So let the stomping fun begi
Bash their weaselly skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it okay
Hey everyone, it's Weasel Stomping...
We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping...
Put down your gun, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Weasel Stomping Day
Hey!

Close But No Cigar

And I told her, I said...
Hey! Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are
You're close...
But no cigar

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habañero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searchin' around
I'd found my soul mate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of "Joe Dirt" on DVD

Aw, no... I said...
Hey! Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?
No, I don't think we are
You're close
Aw, so very close
Yeah, baby, you're close, so close
But no cigar

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world-famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobberin' pig
The only caveat is one of her ear lobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said...
Hey! Are we doin' government work here?
No, I don't think we are
You're close
So very, very close
Aw, baby, you're close, so close
But no cigar
Missed it by that much
Aw yeah, all right
Really, really, really close
But no cigar

Do I Creep You Out

I know that you don't know me very well
We've barely met, but I can surely tell
No one will ever love you like I do

I like to feel the warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool and usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum... that you threw in the garbage

You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I creep you out?
Every time I shake your hand, now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Well, do I creep you out?

Call you every night and hang up
Gonna carve your name in my leg
In my leg

Somethin' I should ask about...
Can I sniff the pit stains on your blouse?
And do I creep you... do I creep you out?

(Your restraining order's out)
(Still the only question with me now) Oh, the only question
(Is do I creep you out?) Is do I creep you out?
Know exactly where you live now
Followed you from work back to your house
Well, do I creep you out?
Do I creep you out?

Trapped In The Drive-Thru

7:00 in the evenin', watchin' somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa when my wife comes in the room and sees me
And she says, "Is this 'Behind The Music' with Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
And I say, "I don't know... say, it's gettin' late, whatcha wanna do for dinner?"
She says, "I kinda had a big lunch, so I'm not super hungry"
I said, "Well, you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either, but I could eat"
She says, "So what do you have in mind?"
I said, "I don't know, what about you?"
She says, "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat"
I said, "That's what we're gonna do...
But first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for"
And she says, "Lemme think, what's left in our refrigerator?"
I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know"
She said, "That went bad a week ago"
I said, "Is the chili okay?"
She said, "You finished that yesterday"
I hopped up and said, "I don't know, do you wanna get somethin' delivered?"
And she's like, "Why would I wanna eat liver? I don't even like liver"
I'm like, "No, I said delivered"
She's like, "I heard you say liver"
I'm like, "I should know what I said"
She's like, "Whatever... I just don't want any liver"
Well, I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well, I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry callin' for the third time today
My wife said, "Let it go to voice mail"
I said, "Okay"
"Where were we? Oh, dinner, right... So what do you wanna do?"
She says, "Why don't you whip up something in the kitchen?"
"Yeah?" I said, "Why don't you?"
And then she says, "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says "No," she says "Yes," I says "No," she says "Yes"
I says "No," she says "Yes... oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
and say "Okay, where you wanna go?"
She says, "How 'bout The Ivy?"
I said, "Yeah, well, I don't know...
I don't feel like getting all dressed up and eatin' expensive food"
She says, "Olive Garden?"
I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood...
And Burrito King would make me gassy, there's no doubt"
She says, "Just forget about it"
I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out"
Then I get an idea
I say, "I know what we'll do..."
She says "What?" I say "Guess" she says "WHAT?!"
I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru"
She we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive-thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?

Well, here we are in the drive-thru line, me and her
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us, all just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
with his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream, "Hey, whatcha tryin' to do, blind me?"
My wife says, "Maybe we should park...
We could just go eat inside"
I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers...
so I ain't leavin' this ride"
Now a woman on a speaker box
is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"
I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can...
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese"
Then my wife says, "Baby...
hold on, I've changed my mind...
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time"
I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for"
I put my head in my hands and scream...
"I don't know who you are anymore!"
The voice on the speaker says, "I don't have all day"
I said, "Then take our order, and we'll be on our way...
I wanna get a chicken sandwich...
and I want a cheeseburger too..."
She's like, "You want onions on that?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do...
Plus we need curly fries, and don't you dare forget it...
And two medium root beers - no, just one, we'll split it"
Then I said, "I'm guessin' that you're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order, let's make sure you got it right"
She says, "1... you want a chicken sandwich...
2... you want a cheeseburger...
3... curly fries and a large root beer -"
"Stop! Don't go no further...
I never ordered a large root beer - I said medium, not large"
Then she says, "We havin' a special, I super-sized you at no charge"
"Oh"
And that's all I could say was "Oh"
And she says, "Now there's somethin' else
that I really think you should know...
You can have unlimited refills
for just a quarter more"
I said, "Great, except we're in the drive-thru...
So what would I want that for?"
Then she says, "Wait a minute...
Your voice sounds so familiar... hey, is this Paul?"
And my wife is all like, "No, that ain't Paul! Now tell me, who's this Paul?"
She says, "Oh, he's just some guy who goes to school with me...
I sat behind him last year and I copied off of him in geometry"
I said, "I know a guy named Paul, he used to be my plumber...
He was prematurely bald and he moved to Pittsburgh last summer...
He also had bladder problems and a really bad infection on his toe -"
And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there...
That's way more than I needed to know"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
And then she says, "Next window, please - that'll be five dollars and eight-two cents"
So we inched ahead in line, movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored, so I turned on the radio

[instrumental recreation of "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin]

Click - turned it off because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly, for her sake
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said, "Um... I think you have somethin' in your teeth"
She turned away from me, and then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"
I said, "Yeah...
Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, y'know, don't sweat it"
Then she said...
"How 'bout now?"
I said, "Yeah, almost...
There's still a little bit there, but don't worry...
It's probably just a piece of toast"
Now we're at the pay window
or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet

And the lady at the window's like...
"Well well well, that'll be $5.82"
I turn around to my wife and say, "How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says, "I'll pay for this, I guess"
So she reaches into her purse and busts out
the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says, "Oh dear...
It's gotta be cash only...
We don't take credit cards here"
I took back the card and said, "Gee, really? Well, that sucks"
And that's when I found out my wife was only carryin' three bucks
I said, "I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today."
She says, "I never got around to it... so where's your wallet anyway?"
And I said, "Never mind, just help me to find some change"
Now the lady at the window's lookin' at me kinda strange
And she says, "Mister, please, we gotta move this line along"
I said, "Now hold your stinkin' horses, lady, we won't be long"
So I looked around inside the glove box
and checked the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in an ashtray
and a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats
Before long I had a little pile of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says, "You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look frozen on her face
She screams, "You know, I wasn't even really hungry in the first place!"
And so I turned around to the cashier again
I shrugged and said, "Okay...
Forget the chicken sandwich then"
So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pick-up window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne-ridden kid, about 16
Wearin' a dorky name tag that says "Hello, my name is Eugene"
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him, "Hey Eugene, could I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well, he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says, "I'm sorry...
What did you want again?"
I say, "Ketchup"
And he says, "Oh, yeah, that's right...
I just spaced out there for a second...
I'm really kinda burnt tonight"
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad with its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death by the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say, "Baby, gimme that burger, I just gotta have a bite"
So she reaches in the bag
and pulls out the burger
and she hands me the burger
and I pick up the burger
and then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
and I just can't believe it...
They forgot the onions!

Don't Download This Song

So don't download this song
The record store's where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song

Oh, you don't wanna mess with the R-I-double-A
They'll sue you if you burn that CD-R
It doesn't matter if you're a grandma or a 7-year-old girl
They'll treat you like the evil, hard-bitten criminal scum you are

So don't download this song
(Don't go) pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song

Don't take away money from artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Humvee?
And diamond-studded swimmin' pools, these things don't grow on trees
So all I ask is, everybody, please...

So don't download this song (Don't do it! No, no!)
Even Lars Ulrich knows it's wrong (You can just ask him!)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (You really should)
Oh, don't download this song...
Don't download this song (Ah, please don't you do it)
(Or you) might wind up in jail like Tommy Chong (Remember Tommy?)
Go and buy the CD (right now!) like you know that you should (Go out and buy it!)
Oh, don't download this song...
Don't download this song (Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah no...)
Or you'll burn in Hell before too long (And you deserve it!)
Go and buy the CD (Just buy it!) like you know that you should (You cheap bastard!)
Oh, don't download this song