This file is courtesy of the Demented Music Database at dmdb.org

Alpocalypse

Contents:
  1. Perform This Way
  2. CNR
  3. TMZ
  4. Skipper Dan
  5. Polka Face
  6. Craigslist
  7. Party In The CIA
  8. Ringtone
  9. Another Tattoo
  10. If That Isn't Love
  11. Whatever You Like
  12. Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me

Perform This Way

(parody of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga)

My mama told me when I was hatched,
"Act like a superstar.
Save your allowance,
Buy a bubble dress,
And someday you will go far."

Now on red carpets,
Well, I'm hard to miss.
The press follows everywhere I go.
I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this.
Back off and enjoy the show!

I'm sure my critics will say
It's a grotesque display.
Well, they can bite me, baby,
I perform this way.
I might be wearin' swiss cheese,
Or maybe covered with bees.
It doesn't mean I'm crazy,
I perform this way.
(-form this way.)

Ooh, my little monsters pay
Lots 'cause I perform this way.
Baby, I perform this way.
(-form this way.)

Ooh, don't worry, I'm okay.
Hey, I just perform this way.
I'm not crazy, I perform this way.

I'll be a troll or evil queen.
I'll be a human jelly bean.
'Cause every day is Halloween (for me).

I'm so completely original.
My new look is all the rage.
I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck
And set fire to myself on stage.

I wear a porcupine on my head
On a w-h-i-m.
(Hey-ey-ey!)
And for no reason, now I'll sing in French:
Excuse-moi, qui a pété? [Excuse me, who cut the cheese?]
(Express yourself.)

Got my straightjacket today,
It's made of gold lamé.
No, not because I'm crazy,
I perform this way.

I'll strap prime rib to my feet,
Cover myself with raw meat.
I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak
Worn this way.

Don't be offended when you see
My latest pop monstrosity.
I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre.
I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar.

There's nothin' too embarrassing.
I'll honestly do anything
But wear white after Labor Day,
'Cause baby, I perform this way.

Hope you won't think it's cliché
If I go nude today.
Don't call the cops, now, baby,
I perform this way.

No reason I should regret
All the attention I get.
I'm not completely crazy,
I perform this way, yeah.

I perform this way - hey.
I perform this way - hey.
I'm always deviating from the norm this way-hey.
I perform this way - hey.
I perform this way - hey.
I'm really not insane, I just perform this way-hey.

CNR

(style parody of The White Stripes)

Charles Nelson Riley was a mighty man,
The kind of man you'd never disrespect.
He stood eight foot tall, wore glasses,
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck.

He ate his own weight in coal,
And excreted diamonds every day.
He could throw you down a flight of stairs,
But you still would love 'im anyway.
Yeah, you know you'd love 'im anyway.

Charles Nelson Riley won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missing chain.
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry,
I'm tellin' you the man was insane.

He could rip out your beatin' heart,
'n show it to you right before you died.
Every day he'd make the host of "Match Game"
Give 'im a piggyback ride.
Yeah, a two hour piggyback ride.
Giddy up, Gene!

A ninja warrior, master of disguise,
He could melt your brain with his laser beam eyes.
Oh yeah, oh yeah!

He had his very own line at the DMV.
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee.
Oh yeah, oh yeah that was somethin' to see, I tell ya!

Charles Nelson Riley sold his toenail clippin's
As a potent aphrodesiac.
He ran a four-minute mile blindfolded
With an engine block strapped to his back.

He can eat more frozen waffles
Than any other man I know.
Once he fell off the Chrysler Buildin'
And he barely even stubbed his toe.
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe.
Didn't even hurt!

Charles Nelson Riley figured out cold fusion,
But he never ever told a soul.
I've seen the man unhitch his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole.

He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat 'im like a star.
'Cause you can spit in the wind, or tug on Superman's cape,
But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR.
No no no!
Talk about CNR.
Oh...

TMZ

(parody of "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift)

You're sort of famous,
A minor celebrity,
And so it only makes sense
The world would be
Obsessed with every single thing you do.

They're runnin' 'round with their camcorders in the night.
They're lurking patiently and hopin' that they just might
See somethin' real embarrassing you do.

A bad hair day and sweat stained T-shirt.
That's the story that they're gonna feature
With exclusive pics of your flabby behind.
Ya think ya all alone, but that's right when you'll find

A bunch a paparazzi poppin' outta nowhere,
Cameras in your face,
And then suddenly
You're on TMZ.
You're on TMZ.

Followin' you when you're walkin' down the street,
And askin' stupid questions while you're tryin' to eat.
So you cover your face thinkin' to yourself,
"Hey, isn't this creepy?"

And they're out there prayin' you'll have a big meltdown,
And take 'em on a little car chase though this whole town.
They'll be there with you when you're goin' to jail.
First on the scene for every wardrobe fail.

You just picked up some transvestite,
Seconds later it's up on the web site.
Get a vegas wedding, a quickie divorce,
And they'll be sneakin' in snappin' pictures of course.

And if they ever catch you pickin' your nose
Or stumblin' down the street on a drunken spree,
You're on TMZ.

Stalkin' you just waitin' by your front door,
Trailin' you through airport security,
They're with TMZ.
They're with TMZ.

(spoken:)
We caught this oscar nominee picking up dog poop.
Is that a baby bump?
I pronounce her guilty...of leaving the house while fat.
Look who's drinking...coffee!
Everything celebrities do is fascinating!

Oh, let me tell you it's
Gettin' to the point where a famous person can't
Even get a DUI or go on a racist rant.
Those guys are all around,
So you really shouldn't dare
Go to every club in town
If you've lost your underwear.

Seems that every single time a star decides to
Shave their head, or ram their car into
A tree,
They're on TMZ.

If they catch ya peein' in the bushes,
Later on that night, well I guarantee,
You're on TMZ.
You're on TMZ.

You're on TMZ.
Every single celebrity
Knows they're gonna be
There on TMZ

Skipper Dan

I starred in every high school play,
Blew every drama teacher away,
Graduated first in my class at Juilliard.

Took every acting workshop I could,
And I dreamed of Hollywood,
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard.

Hit the boards and paid my dues,
And got phenomenal rave reviews.
I knew the world was gonna love me without a doubt.

I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone,
Annie Leibowitz'd shoot me for Rollin' Stone,
But the years have come and gone and I'm sorry to say
That's not the way that it's all worked out.

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride,
Skipper Dan is the name.
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day,
And every time it's the same. (Wo-oh)

"Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears!"
Just like they've done for the last 50 years.
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes, but I'm cryin' inside,
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.

Oh, the critics they used to say
I was the new Olivier.
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance, or maybe Cannes.

Ah, but don't bother tryin' to imdb me.
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland.
It ain't exactly what I planned...

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride,
Skipper Dan is the name.
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day,
And every time it's the same. (Wo-oh)

I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow".
But what's the difference? That's all behind me now.
'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride,
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.

I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "Twelve Angry Men",
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again!

Nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah (spoken: Bengal tigers can jump over 20 feet.)
Nah nah nah nah nah nah (spoken: That's an African bull elephant.)
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah (spoken: There it is, the back side of water.)
Nah nah nah nah nah nah (spoken: What have I done with my life?)

I shoulda listened when my grandfather said,
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died,
And I'll probably work forever as...

A tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride,
Skipper Dan is the name. (Bop do-wah)
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day,
And every time it's the same. (Wo-oh)

"Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears!"
Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears.
Always said I'd be famous; I guess that I lied,
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride!

Polka Face

(polka medley of various songs by various artists)

["Liechtensteiner Polka"]
(instrumental section)

["Poker Face" by Lady Gaga]
M-M-M-M-
M-M-M-M-
Oh woah oh oh

Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read-a my polka face.
(She's got to love nobody.)

Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read-a my polka face.
(She's got to love nobody.)

P-p-p-polka face
P-p-polka face
(M-M-M-M-)
P-p-p-polka face
P-p-polka face
Hey!

["Womanizer" by Britney Spears]
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer.
Oh, womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby.
You you you are
You you you are
Womanizer womanizer womanizer (womanizer)

Boy don't try to front,
I-I know just-just what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front,
I-I know just-just what you are (are are)
You say I'm crazy,
I've got your crazy.
You're nothin' but a womanizer.

["Right Round" by Flo Rida]
You spin my head right round,
Right round when you go down
When you go down down.
(You spin my head right round,)
Right round when you go down
When you go down.
(Hey!)

["Day 'n' Nite" by Kid Cudi]
Day 'n' night
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night
He's all alone through the day 'n' night (day 'n' night)
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night
At-at-at night.

["Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum]
It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call,
But I lost all contol
And I need you now.

And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

["Baby" by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris]
And I was like,
"Baby, baby, baby,
Baby, baby, baby,
Baby, baby, baby,
I thought you'd always be mine."

["So What" by P!nk]
So, so what?
I'm still a rock star,
I've got my rock moves,
And I don't need you.

And guess what?
I'm having more fun.
And now that we're done,
I'm gonna show you

Tonight,
I'm all right,
I'm just fine,
And you're a tool.

So, so what?
I am a rock star.
I've got my rock moves,
And I don't want you tonight.

["I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry]
I kissed a girl and I liked it,
The taste of her cherry chapstick.
I kissed a girl just to try it,
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right,
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

I kissed a girl and I liked it.
I liked it!

["Fireflies" by Owl City]
And I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems.

["Blame It" by Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain]
Blame it on the Goose,
Gotcha feelin' loose.
Blame it on the 'Trón,
Got you in the zone.
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Blame it on the vodka,
Blame it on the Henny,
Blame it on the blue top,
Gotcha feelin' dizzy.
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

["Replay" by Iyaz]
Shawty's like a melody in my head
That I can't keep out.
Got me singin' like,
"nah nah nah nah" everyday.
It's like my iPod's stuck on replay,
Stuck on replay,
Stuck on replay,
Replay, replay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

["Down" by Jay Sean featuring Lil Wayne]
Baby are ya down down down down down?
Baby are ya down?

["Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz]
I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart.
I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart.
I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart.
I'm only gonna break your heart.

["Tick Tock Polka"]
(instrumental section)

["TiK ToK" by Ke$ha]
Don't stop, make it pop,
DJ blow my speakers up (tonight).
I'm-a fight 'til we see the sunlight.

Tick tock on the clock,
But the polka don't stop.
(No!)
Yodle-o-de-lady-hoo.
Yodle-o-de-lady-hoo.

["Whatever's Left Over Polka"]
P-P-P-Polka face,
P-P-Polka face.
(M-M-M-M-)
P-P-P-Polka face,
P-P-Polka face.
Oh no you can't read my
P-P-Polka face
Talkin' 'bout my polka face
P-P-P-Polka face
Hey!

Craigslist

(style parody of The Doors)

Woah yeah!

You've got a '65
Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive
A custom paint job too.
I'll trade ya for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler if you insist.
Craigslist!
I'm on craigslist, baby, come on!
Yeah.

Well, we shared a quick glance
Saturday at the mall.
I never took a chance,
Never approached you at all.
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas.
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask.
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed.
On craigslist!
Yeah, craigslist, come on!
I'm on craigslist!
Well, baby, maybe you are too.
Bee-bomp-a-chonk-a-dong bim-bam-boo

(spoken:) An open letter to the snotty barrista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard.
I know there were 20 people behind me in line,
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother.
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means, "I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes."
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you!

Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts.
You can have 'em for free.
You can drop by on the weekend,
And pick 'em up from me.
But the trash can ain't part of the deal.
Only givin' you the peanuts - get real.
Don't have no Hefty bag, so bring your own.
Don't bug me with questions on the phone.
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time.
And don't complain, 'cause they won't cost you a dime.
Just ask yourself, do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts.
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all.

They're on craigslist, yeah!
Craigslist!
Oh, baby, come on!
I'm on craigslist, craigslist, craigslist
I'm on craigslist, craigslist, craigslist, now!
Craigslist!

Party In The CIA

(parody of "Party In The U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus)

I moved out to Langley recently
With a plain and simple dream.
Wanna infiltrate some third world place (Woah!)
And topple their regime.
Those men in black with their matchin' suitcases,
Where everything's on a need-to-know basis,
Agents got that swagger,
Everyone's so cloak and dagger.

I'm feelin' nervous, but I'm really kinda wishin'
For an undercover mission.
That's when the red alert came on the radio,
And I put my earpiece on.
Got my dark sunglasses on,
And I had my weapon drawn.

So I get my handcuffs,
My cyanide pills,
My classified dossier.
Tappin' the phones like yeah,
Shreddin' the files like yeah.
I memorized all the enemy spies
I gotta neutralize today.
Yeah...it's a party in the C.I.A.
Yeah...it's a party in the C.I.A.

I've done a couple of crazy things
That have almost gotten me dismissed,
Like terminate some head of state
Who wasn't even on my list.
Burn that microfilm, buddy, will you?
I'd tell you why, but then I'd have to kill you.
You need a quickie confession?
We'll start our waterboardin' session.

No hurry on this South American dictator,
I'll assassinate him later.
That's when he walked right in my laser sights,
And my silencer was on,
And my silencer was on,
And another target's gone.

Yeah, we got our black ops all over the world,
From Kazakhstan to Bombay.
Payin' the bribes like yeah.
Pluggin' the leaks like yeah.
Interrogating the scum of the earth,
We'll break 'em by the break of day.
Yeah...it's a party in the C.I.A.
Yeah...it's a party in the C.I.A.

Need a country to stabilize? (stabilize)
Look no further, we're your guys. (we're your guys)
We've got snazzy suits and ties, (suits and ties)
And a better dental plan than the F.B.I.'s.

Better put your hands up and get in the van,
Or else you'll get blown away. (blown away)
Stagin' a coup like yeah. (stagin' a coup like yeah)
Brainwashin' moles like yeah.
We only torture the folks we don't like,
You're probably gonna be okay. (you're gonna be okay)
Yeah...it's a party in the C.I.A.
Yeah...it's a party in the C.I.A.

Ringtone

(style parody of Queen)

Once, not very long ago,
I was respected, I was popular,
But now I hang my head in shame.
My life is filled with such regret,
A bad mistake I can't forget,
And now I'll never be the same.

Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all. (What was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call.

Well, everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the world really hates my
Ringtone!

When my phone goes off at work,
I look like the biggest jerk.
Total strangers wanna slap me around.
When it's ringin' on the terrace,
My neighbors get embarrased.
They're beggin' me to move out of town.
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick,
But I had it fixed and now it's just fine.
It's a pain, I sure don't need it,
And I probably should delete it,
But for me that would be crossin' the line,
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety-nine.

Hey, I paid good money for this
Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all. (Really, what was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call.

Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my
Ringtone!

Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Aaah Aaah
Oooh oooh oh oh

Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers),
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers),
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea,
Every single person everywhere unanimously.

Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...

Another Tattoo

(parody of "Nothin' On You" by B.o.B. featuring Bruno Mars)

Beautiful tats
All over my back
Makes me so proud
I'm gonna shout it out loud.
I got another tattoo, baby (ooh ooh ooh) (yeah)
Another tattoo, baby
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)

No part of me's blank, I'm really ink obsessed.
It's like an art show the moment that I get undressed. (Check it.)
At every job interview, they're just so impressed, (Really?)
'Cause I got all my ex-wives on my chest.

Over here is Clay Aiken,
There's a side of bacon,
And a minotaur pillow fightin' with satan.
Next to Hello Kitty and a zombie ice skatin',
Wait...it's Ronald Reagan.

I've got these dragons, I've got these dolphins,
All inscribed on me indelibly (indelibly).
I've had bad reactions, bad infections,
Even hepatitis C. (-titis C)
My friends think that I need therapy, (therapy)
Maybe some laser surgery (surgery)
For the flaming goat skull on my knee. (knee) knee (knee knee)!

(Hey) Beautiful tats (yeah)
All over my back (all over)
And I've got some space here on this side of my face here
For another tattoo baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)
Another tattoo baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)

No I'm not high (high), I'm really okay (okay),
I just love these scribbles that won't go away.
I got another tattoo, baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)
Another tattoo, baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)
Yeah.

Yes there were a few I got from losin' a bet. (bet bet)
I mispelled a word or two,
Still there's nothin' I regret. (-gret -gret)
My shoppin' trips are no sweat, (sweat)
There's never stuff I forget. (get)
Check out this rad Boba Fett -
He's playin' clarinet! (net)

Beautiful tats (yeah)
All over my back. (all over)
And what the heck? (ha ha)
There's still some room on my neck.
I'll get another tattoo, baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)
Another tattoo, baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)

I don't know why
But everyday
Whenever folks see me,
They just back away.
I got another tattoo, baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)
Another tattoo, baby.
(N-n-n-nother tattoo, babe,
N-nother tattoo.)
Yeah.

(spoken:)
Yeow! Deh...
OK, right there by my elbow.
You see? Yeah.
I got a couple square inches left.
Uh, maybe a squid or a tarantula or somethin'
I don't know, surprise me.
Yeow! Mother...

If That Isn't Love

Ooh yeah.
Oh.
I'm your shelter from the storm.
You know I'll always have you back.
I'll even let you warm
Your freezin' hands inside my butt crack.
I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on.
And when you're tellin' me about your feelin's,
I try not to yawn.

And when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic bladder.
When you're cleanin' the gutters on the roof, I hold the ladder.

And if that isn't love,
If that isn't love,
If that isn't love,
I don't know what love is.
(Na na na na na na na na)
N-n-n-n-no, I guess I don't know.
(Na na na na na na na na)

Ah, listen now.
There's a microscopic bit of milk left
In the refrigerator.
I could've finished it off, but I quit,
In case you want a tiny little sip-a later.
And if you cut the cheese then maybe
I'll wink and say the dog's to blame.
And I make sure to call you "baby"
Every time I forget your name.

I'll even tell ya girl when you start lookin' fat.
'Cause all your so-called friends would probably neglect to mention that.

And if that isn't love,
If that isn't love,
If that isn't love,
I don't know what love is.
(Na na na na na na na na)
N-n-n-n well, then I don't know.
(Na na na na na na na na)
Oh no.

Even though you made me sit through "Mamma Mia",
Well, I still adore you.
I'll kiss you even if you've had omelettes for breakfast,
And I can't stand omelettes.
After I take a bath, if it's still warm,
I'll leave the water in there for you.
I give you my word,
You're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd, yeah.

Every time I see you tryin' to lift some really heavy thing,
You can always count on me to help, by sayin' somethin' encouraging.
If you get drunk and pass out,
I never Sharpie up your face.
And I don't wipe my nose on your couch,
Even though that's a super convenient place.

I totally support every idiotic thing you do.
And I almost never pretend you're someone else when I'm making out with you.

And if that isn't love,
If that isn't love,
If that isn't love,
I don't know what love is.
(Na na na na na na na na)
No, I don't know what love is.
(Na na na na na na na na)
Well, I don't know what love is.
(Na na na na na na na na)
I don't know what love is!

Whatever You Like

(parody of "Whatever You Like" by T.I.)

(spoken:)
Hey girl, you know our economy's in the toilet,
But I'm still gonna treat you right.

I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Tater Tots,
Cold Duck on ice,
And we can clip coupons all night,
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please, (please)
Like Burger King or Mickey D's,
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can even have the large fries. (The large fries.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Baby you should know I'm really quite a sweet guy.
When I buy you bathroom tissue I always get the 2-ply.
Want it you can get it my dear,
I got my Costco membership card right here.

Yeah, you like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen,
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em comin'.
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it,
Dump a flavor packet on it and eat it.
(Hey!)

Pork and beans (beans) and Minute Rice (Rice)
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

I can take you to the laundromat downtown (town)
And watch all the clothes go 'round and 'round
And baby we can go wherever you like. (If you like.)
I said we can go wherever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Hottest shorty I know,
If you had some lipo,
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio.

Seven dollar bills rolled
Up inside my plastic billfold.
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day old.

And you never ever gotta wear you sister's old clothes
Long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's.
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl.
You ain't gotta pay me, that's the way that I roll.

My chick can have what she want.
At Wal-Mart she can pick out anything she want.
I know girl you ain't never had a man like that,
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that.

Yeah, you like my Hyundai,
See my Hyundai,
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday.
But that's kind of far, and I'm not made a cash,
Do you think you could chip in for gas?

Mac and cheese (cheese) would be all right, (right)
But let's send out for pizza tonight,
And you can order any toppin's you like. (If you like.)
I said you can even have the last slice. (The last slice.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next door. (door)
Now I can get free HBO,
And baby you can watch whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can watch whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

And you can always ride the city bus.
Got a stack of tokens just for us.
Yo, my wallet's fat, and full of ones.
It's all about the Washingtons.
That's right.

You want White Castle, (Castle)
Need White Castle.
Long as you got me, it won't be no hassle.
You want it, we'll get it,
Just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch a napkins for later.

Thrift store jeans (jeans)
On sale half price. (price)
The underwear at Goodwill is nice,
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Baby I can give you anything you please,
Even share my government cheese,
And baby you can have as much as you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have as much as you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. Yeah. (Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.)

Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me

Oh, the sand keeps fallin' through the hourglass,
And there's no way you're gonna slow it down.
You say we gotta treasure each moment.
Who knows how long we're gonna be around?
Yeah, you keep on tellin' me life is short,
And it's hard to disagree with whatcha say.
But if time is so precious, why ya wastin' mine?
'Cause I'm always reading, always deleting
Every useless piece of garbage that ya send my way.

Every stupid hoax,
All those corny jokes,
Stop forwarding that crap to me.
Well, I don't need tons
Of cringe-inducing puns,
Stop forwarding that crap to me.
No, it isn't okay
If you brighten my day
With some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry.
And I didn't request
A personality test
Stop forwarding that crap to me.

(Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah.)

You're sendin' virus-laden bandwidth-hogging attachments
To every single person ya know.
You're passin' 'round a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
That everybody else already saw three years ago.
And wacky badly Photoshopped billboards were ever that amusin' to me.
And I just can't believe you believe those urban legends,
But I have high hopes
Someone'll point ya toward snopes
And debunk that crazy junk you're spewin' constantly.

No I don't want a bowl
Of chicken soup for the soul,
Stop forwarding that crap to me.
Send more top ten lists
And I'll slash my wrists,
Please stop forwarding that crap to me.

Well, I'm sorry I can't
Accept your paranoid rant,
And I don't want the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe.

Won't you kindly refrain
'Cause it's hurting my brain?
Stop forwarding that crap to me.

Like glittery hearts and unicorns
And pictures of somebody's cat.
Now tell me, in what alternate reality
Would I care about something like that?

And by the way,
Your quotes from George Carlin aren't really George Carlin.
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet Kong.
And Bill Gates is never gonna give me somethin' for nothin',
And I highly doubt some dead girl's gonna kill me if I don't pass her letter along.

Well, now I know you're wishin'
I'll sign your petition,
But stop forwarding that crap to me.
And I don't wanna read your series
Of conspiracy theories.
Just stop forwarding that crap to me.

And your two million loser friends all
Have my address now,
'Cause ya never figured out the way to Bcc.

Now I gotta insist,
Take me off of your list.
Stop forwarding that crap to me.

(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)

(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Just stop it now.
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Oh, no.
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Oh.

(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
I can't take it.
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Ah, please!
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)

(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
You gotta stop!
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Right now!
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)

(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
I'm not kidding!
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
At the risk of bein' slightly repetitious gonna ask you now to stop!
(Stop) sendin' me that (crap)
I don't want it,
Don't send it to me,
Now don't send it to me.

(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Just stop.
(Stop forwarding that crap to me.)
Oh, stop forwarding that crap to me.
To me.
(Ah ah ah.)


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