"This is a song, though, that I wrote when I first came to Cambridge, 20 years ago. And when I first took the subway ride from Cambridge into Boston, I noticed the subway stations on the line had this interesting property."
H is for my alma mater Harvard,
C is Central, next stop on the line,
K is for the cozy Kendall station, and
C is Charles that overlooks the brine...a-
P is Park St...Pahk Street, busy Boston center, and
W is Washington you see...
Put them all together, they spell...
(HCCKKCC... PW... (sounds like somebody spitting))
Which is just about what Boston means to me!
Who can turn a can into a cane?
Who can turn a cub into a cube?
He took a pin and turned it into a pine.
Who can turn a cap into a cape?
He turned a dam - Alikazam! - into a dame.
Who can turn a man into a mane?
You're wearing your squeaky shoes,
You're a secret agent man
At an eating contest you boast
On the lake your boat upset,
In the public library
As you walk along the street
You enter a very dark room,
Like a rooster loves a hen,
I love to sneeze. *a-choo*
I love to sniff. *sniff*
I love to snore. *snore*
Sometimes I just like to snicker, tee hee,
There's a delta for every epsilon,
But one condition I must give:
How sad, how cruel, how tragic,
This rank discrimination is not for us,
You take a function of x and you call it y,
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am.
My diagrams are models of true art, you must agree,
Consider, for example, just the force of gravity:
The lyrics given here are from the revised Tomfoolery version. If anyone has
the original lyrics, please let me know!
I love my friends, and they love me,
I got it from Agnes,
She got it from Harry,
Giles got it from Daphne,
Pierre gave it to Sheila,
Max got it from Edith,
She then gave it to Daniel,
But I got it from Agnes,
It might have been at the club,
It was rejected as the theme song, partly due to not being able to get
permission to use the music of "That's Entertainment".
On July 28, 1993, the Mathematical Sciences Research Institute (MSRI)
presented a Fermat Fest in San Francisco to celebrate the fact that
Andrew Wiles had proven the famous Fermat's Last Theorem, which had gone
unproven for centuries. Tom was not at the fest and this song was not
performed there, but he did record it on November 2, 1993, for use over
the closing credits of a videotape they released of the event. At this
time, Tom changed the tune a bit to avoid copyright infringement, and
added the verse about Andrew Wiles. A different take was included on
Dr. Demento's Basement Tapes No. 4. The Andrew Wiles verse was
edited out (and the gap bridged with one newly recorded piano chord) for
the box set The Remains Of Tom Lehrer.
About Fermat's Last Theorem:
(The theorem states that for all integers n > 2, there exist no integers a, b,
& c satisfying a^n + b^n = c^n, where ^ denotes exponentiation. Note that
for n = 2 there ARE such integers, as this is the Pythagorean Theorem of right
triangles. The rest of you can look it up when you get home.)
The sheet music for this song was published in the April, 1997
issue of Math Horizons, which is put out by the Mathematical Association
of America.
Counting sheep
When a ball
How much gold can you hold in an elephant's ear?
When you choose
Andrew Wiles gently smiles,
Tap your feet,
We gather together to ask the lord's blessing
Everybody eat!
Everybody feed
Oh everybody's swill.
I'm spending Hanukkah, in Santa Monica,
Those eastern winters, I can't endure 'em,
Rosh Hashona, I spend in Arizona,
An officer named Jackson at Beale Air Force Base in Marysville, CA (where the
film was done) made a recording of Tom singing the full version of the song,
but these lyrics have not yet surfaced. One known expurgated couplet is:
The song is best understood in the context of the film. An O.R.I. is a
no-notice Operational Readiness Inspection. S.A.C. is the Strategic Air
Command.
Here at S.A.C. we're filled with pride.
Our wing commander's got a racket,
Oh, we love the seven-day alert.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The title of the show was a play on a physics journal called "The
Physical Review". Among the other songs included in the show were "A Liter And A
Gram" (a/k/a "Physicist's Love Song"; parody of "A Bushel And A Peck"),
"Dodging The Draft At Harvard", "The Derivative Song", "The Slide Rule
Song", "The Wild West Is Where I Want To Be", "Lobachevsky", and "Fight
Fiercely Harvard", plus "There's A Delta For Every Epsilon",
"The Professor's Song", and "The Elements".
"Now Then Are There Any Questions" was performed in a round, with Tom and
other graduate students doing the four student parts, and professor
Lewis Branscomb (in the 1951 presentation) as the professor. A
different person played the professor in 1952.
Tom says that at least one performance of the 1951 "Physical Revue" was
recorded on a wire recorder by Norman Ramsey (later a Nobel Prize winning
physicist).
The 1952 performance was also recorded by someone else.
For the 100th anniversary of "The Physical Review" (the journal), there was
a reunion of some performers from "The Physical Revue" (including Lewis,
though not including Tom) on April 13, 1993, in Washington, D.C., and they
performed "Songs of the Physical Revue" during a meeting of the American
Physical Society.
I do not know who wrote the following transcription and comments. I found
it on ftp.uwp.edu, but there was unfortunately no name attached to it. If
it was you, please let me know! There are some misremembered facts here,
like the year, location, and what Tom's part was, but it is still intereting
to read. Tom also says that the piano used was an upright (not a grand) and
that he was definitely not dressed in tails.
"As a visiting prof in '64(?), Lehrer presented the final class session in
one of the undergrad physics courses.
Anyway, the class met in a physics lecture hall like Varian 100 or 101 in
the Tank, with electrically operated blackboards. When this last special
session was held, the lecture table had been rolled out, and a grand piano
rolled in. The electric blackboards had been painted with colored chalk
to look exactly like the proscenium and curtains at the Boston Symphony.
The room was packed with everyone in the Department.
Lehrer came in, in tails as I remember, dramatically punched the button that
made the "curtains" go up, underneath was written in large letters "The
Physical Revue", and he began an hour's worth of just that. Besides the
"Derivative Song" (I think), there was certainly the "Periodic Table" song,
Lobachevsky, and a round, sung with four associates, which I've never
encountered since, which had Lehrer as professor and the others as students
singing"
Now then, are there any questions? (G G G-G-G-G E C)
(Last line not sure about, and also the music may be wrong)
First student:
Man, he asks if there are questions
There may have been more verses; I don't remember. If someone else knows
of this, I'd be delighted to hear of a place to locate it. (It may have
been a follow-on to the "Professor's Song"?)
The only other Lehrer in my repertoire is "An awful debility, a lessened
utility, a loss of mobility, is a strong possibility,..." ...which
unfortunately begins to strike closer to home every year...Silent E
This song was written for the PBS children's show "The Electric Company" in
1971. It appeared on an album of songs from "The Electric Company" in
stereo. It appears in mono as a bonus track on the CD of Tom Lehrer
Revisited and in stereo on The Remains Of Tom Lehrer.
Who can turn a pan into a pane?
It's not too hard to see,
It's Silent E.
Who can turn a tub into a tube?
It's elementary
For Silent E.
He took a twin and turned him into twine.
Who can turn a tap into a tape?
A little glob becomes a globe instantly,
If you just add Silent E.
But my friend Sam stayed just the same.
Who can turn a van into a vane?
A little hug becomes huge instantly.
Don't add W, Don't add X, And don't add Y or Z,
Just add Silent E.
L-Y
This song was written for "The Electric Company" TV show in 1972, but was
not released on record until it showed up in 1990 as a bonus track on the
CD of Tom Lehrer Revisited (in mono).
And right there taking a snooze
Is a tiger, so how do you walk on by?
[loud whisper]
Silently, silently, Silent L.Y.
Who's after the secret plan.
How do you act so they don't know you're a spy?
[acting suspiciously]
Normally [whistle], normally [whistle], Normal L.Y.
That you can eat the most.
How do you down your fiftieth piece of pie?
[nauseated]
Eagerly (ugh!), eagerly (yech!), Eager L.Y.
And your clothes got soaking wet.
How do you stand and wait for them to dry?
[shivering]
D-d-d-d-d-d-patiently, D-d-d-d-d-d-patiently, D-d-d-d-d-d-patient L.Y.
You fall and hurt your knee.
But the sign says QUIET PLEASE, so how can you cry?
[crying]
Quietly [sniff], quietly [sniff], Quiet L.Y.
A porcupine you meet.
How do you shake his hand when he says "hi"?
[warily]
Ah, carefully, carefully, Careful L.Y.
And sitting there in the gloom
Is Dracula.
Now how do you say goodbye?
Immediately, immediately, Immediate L.Y.
Bye bye!
SN (Snore, Sniff & Sneeze)
This was written for "The Electric Company" in 1972, and released on a cassette circa 1998, and later on the box set The Remains Of Tom Lehrer.
Like a lion loves his den,
Like Barbie loves Ken,
I love to do things that begin with S-N.
For example...
Pardon me please. *a-choo*
I like to sniffle,
It really feels nice.
One handkerchief'll
Just never suffice.
But brother watch out for the breeze
When I sneeze.
Just take a whiff. *sniff*
I also like snarling;
It feels good to me.
Snarling is darling,
I'm sure you'll agree.
But I'm even happier if
I can sniff, *sniff*
and sneeze. *a-choo*
It's more like a roar. *snore*
I like to snooze;
I like resting my head.
I take off my shoes
And I snuggle in bed.
Sometjimes I just lie on the floor
And snore, *snore*
And sniff, *sniff*
And sneeze. *a-choo* *a-choo* *a-choo*
Or snub any snob who is snotty to me.
And whenever I have a few moments to spend,
I can snoop on a neighbor or snitch on a friend.
But much more than any of these,
I love to snore and to sniff and to sneeze.
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore*
There's A Delta For Every Epsilon
Calypso
Words and Music by Tom Lehrer
American Mathematical Monthly, 81 (1974) 612:
It's a fact that you can always count upon.
There's a delta for every epsilon
And now and again,
There's also an N.
The epsilon must be positive
A lonely life all the others live,
In no theorem
A delta for them.
How pitiful, and other adjec-
Tives that I might mention.
The matter merits our attention.
If an epsilon is a hero,
Just because it is greater than zero,
It must be mighty discouragin'
To lie to the left of the origin.
We must fight for an enlightened calculus,
Where epsilons all, both minus and plus,
Have deltas
To call their own.
The Derivative Song
Words by Tom Lehrer -- Tune: "There'll be Some Changes Made"
American Mathematical Monthly, 81 (1974) 490:
Take any x-nought that you care to try,
You make a little change and call it delta x,
The corresponding change in y is what you find nex',
And then you take the quotient and now carefully
Send delta x to zero, and I think you'll see
That what the limit gives us, if our work all checks,
Is what we call dy/dx,
It's just dy/dx.
The Professor's Song
Words by Tom Lehrer -- Tune: "If You Give Me Your Attention"
from Princess Ida (Gilbert & Sullivan)
American Mathematical Monthly, 81 (1974) 745:
I'm a brilliant math'matician -- also something of a ham.
I have tried for numerous degrees, in fact I've one of each;
Of course that makes me eminently qualified to teach.
I understand the subject matter thoroughly, it's true,
And I can't see why it isn't all as obvious to you.
Each lecture is a masterpiece, meticulously planned,
Yet everybody tells me that I'm hard to understand,
And I can't think why.
And my handwriting is famous for its legibility.
Take a word like "minimum" (to choose a random word),
{This was performed at a blackboard, and the professor wrote:
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/}
For anyone to say he cannot read that, is absurd.
The anecdotes I tell get more amusing every year,
Though frankly, what they go to prove is sometimes less than clear,
And all my explanations are quite lucid, I am sure,
Yet everybody tells me that my lectures are obscure,
And I can't think why.
It's inversely proportional to something -- let me see --
It's r^3 -- no, r^2 -- no, it's just r, I'll bet --
The sign in front is plus -- or is it minus, I forget --
Well, anyway, there is a force, of that there is no doubt.
All these formulas are trivial if you only think them out.
Yet students tell me, "I have memorized the whole year through
Ev'rything you've told us, but the problems I can't do."
And I can't think why!
I Got It From Agnes
This song was written by Tom in 1953 as "The Hospital Song" a/k/a "I Got It From Sally". He performed
it at nightclub engagements throughout the 1950's, but he never included it
on an album because he considered it too risque at the time. In 1980, he
revised it for inclusion in the stage revue of his songs called Tomfoolery,
and he now notes that, although the revision made it naughtier, it seems
fairly innocent by today's standards.
We're just as close as we can be.
And just because we really care,
Whatever we get, we share!
She got it from Jim.
We all agree it must have been
Louise who gave it to him.
Who got it from Marie,
And everybody knows that Marie
Got it from me.
She got it from Joan,
Who picked it up in County Cork,
A-kissing the Blarney Stone.
Who must have brought it there.
He got it from Francois and Jacques,
Haha, Lucky Pierre!
Who gets it every spring.
She got it from her Daddy,
Who gives her everything.
Whose spaniel has it now.
Our dentist even got it,
And we're still wondering how.
Or maybe it was Sue,
Or Millie or Billie or Gillie or Willie,
It doesn't matter who.
Or at the pub, or in the loo,
And if you will be my friend,
Then I might...(Mind you, I said "might")...
Give it to you!
That's Mathematics
This song was originally written circa 1986 as a theme song and
title for a PBS children's show on math that eventually became known as "Square One TV".
The song was to the tune of "That's Entertainment".
Fermat had written in the margin of a notebook that he had come up with a
neat little proof of the theorem, but did not have space to write it there.
Since then, people many times have claimed to have proven the theorem, but
have been proven wrong. It has been speculated that Fermat did not actually
have a proof.
When you're trying to sleep,
Being fair
When there's something to share,
Being neat
When you're folding a sheet,
That's mathematics!
Bounces off of a wall,
When you cook
From a recipe book,
When you know
How much money you owe,
That's mathematics!
When it's noon on the moon, then what time is it here?
If you could count for a year, would you get to infinity,
Or somewhere in that vicinity?
How much postage to use,
When you know
What's the chance it will snow,
When you bet
And you end up in debt,
Oh try as you may,
You just can't get away
From mathematics!
Does his thing, and voila!
Q.E.D., we agree,
And we all shout hurrah!
As he confirms what Fermat
Jotted down in that margin,
Which could've used some enlargin'.
Keepin' time to a beat,
Of a song
While you're singing along,
Harmonize
With the rest of the guys,
Yes, try as you may,
You just can't get away
From mathematics!
We Gather Together
(a/k/a "Thanksgiving Hymn")
to the tune of the traditional song of the same name.
This was performed by a quartet on "Garrison Keillor's
American Radio Company" radio program, during the 1990 Thanksgiving show.
For turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce.
It was slightly distressing but now we're convalescing
So sing praises to his name and forget not to floss.
Our nearest and dearest we don't mind confessing
It's sort of depressing to have them so near.
Our feelings supressing, politely acquiescing
And fervently professing we're glad they were here.
We gathered together and got the lord's blessing
Of course we're just guessing 'cause how can you tell?
Our stomach's are bloating
Our kidneys nearly floating
Hellos are very nice but goodbyes can be swell
Everybody Eat
to the tune of Irving Berlin's "Everybody Step" from the Broadway
musical "Music Box Revue".
This was performed by the same people on the same radio show as the
previous song.
Every niece and every nephew even if you're deaf you'll hear them digest.
Kiddies by the dozen from local zoos
Someone's second cousin but god knows whose.
For example there's an uncle who when he's drunk'll be a real pest.
And cousin Julia is actin' childish to put it mildish.
Hey you kids I don't know who just did that but it's gross
Then Al begins to smoke and tells a dirty joke when Grandma's comatose.
And put up with uncle Gordon video recordin' everyone here.
Now they've all gone away
And we're so happy to say
They won't be back for a year.
(I'm Spending) Hanukkah In Santa Monica
Thanks to Jeff Balch for sending this one along.
According to him, this 54-second tune aired twice on "Garrison Keillor's
American Radio Company" in 1990. Tom later recorded his own version for
release on the box set The Remains Of Tom Lehrer.
Wearing sandals lighting candles by the sea.
I spent Shavuos, in East St. Louis,
A charming spot but clearly not the spot for me.
So every year I pack my gear
And come out here to Purim.
And Yom Kippa, way down in Mississippa.
But in Decemba, there's just one place for me.
'Mid the California flora,
I'll be lighting my menorah.
Every California maid'll
Find me playing with a dreidl.
Santa Monica, spending Hanukkah by the sea
The Sac Song
Tom wrote this song for the 1963 Universal-International film "A Gathering Of
Eagles". It is used about an hour and fifteen minutes into that film. It is
sung by the character Hollis Farr (played by Rod Taylor, Rock Hudson's
co-star in the film), who accompanies himself on the piano. About 45 seconds
are used in the film, though about a minute and a half was written. This is
the part used in the film.
Every time we hear that Klaxon,
We say a few words in Anglo-Saxon.
This refers to cursing whenever the alarm bell would sound.
There's just one thing we can't decide:
Which we'd rather get clobbered by,
An enemy attack or an O.R.I.
Though sometimes it's hard to hack it.
Whenever he gets his wife alone,
Ding-a-ling-a-ling goes the little red phone.
For a week we will not see a skirt.
But we know it's part of S.A.C.'s main goal:
To test our positive control.
Whatever became of the wild blue yonder?
How we wish the good ol' days were back
In S.A.C.!
Now Then Are There Any Questions
To the tune of the Mozart canon "O, Du Eselhafter Martin".
This was the closing song in "The Physical Revue", a series of songs
performed by Lehrer and his cohorts in 1951 and 1952 at Harvard
University. The show was done first on January 13 & 22, 1951, in Jefferson
Laboratory 250, and was slightly revised and performed again the next year
(with a different cast), on May 26, 1952, at Allston Burr Hall.
Now then, are there any questions? (ditto)
If there are none, (C C C A)
Then I am done (C C C G)
(And I have nothing more to say-ay) (E D C B D C A D C)
Man, I've got a million questions
I've got a ton,
And every one,
Would take a half a day to ans-wer.
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